fears.

This time is different.

Like I said, I have decided to take myself and my dreams more seriously before. And it has not changed a single thing. Not much anyway. But this time... Something is different. I made the same promise, but this time something really shifted within me. It's not big. No thunder and lightening, no complete makeovers "I'm gonna cut my hair and get a completely new wardrobe to show I'm different now" kind of thing. Just a tiny shift.

And it has set my inner world in turmoil. All my fears are awakened. Screaming at me:

Give up!

Fail at once!

Don't do it!

Everybody is going to laugh at you!

You have nothing to offer to the world!

I know that these fears are not unique to me. Bookshelf after bookshelf has been filled to the brim with wise words (and unwise) about how to overcome these fears. They are why so many of us never create anything at all, not even in the safety of our own homes. I still get sick with nervosity when I show something to P and he is the person who loves me the most in this world and chooses to live with me and have children with me...

I hope to find a way to inspire people to pick up these wonderful things that singing, painting, writing, knitting etcetera etcetera can be - just for fun. It's a way for us grownups to play, to be free, to experience spirit, to express ourselves! So I can't budge now, can I?

Retorical question. Of course I can't. And I wont. Slowly, slowly. A tiny bit everyday - when I have a shred of time - I work on the designs for the first artwork/inspiration tool I want disperse into the world.

I am so happy to know you are reading! All my love to you!

where to?

I have been thinking about this blog today. I have a growing feeling that I want to make something more of it than it is right now. To solely use it as an incentive to create is no longer necessary. I have managed to tap into my underground stream of creativity, and I do a little bit of creating every day. Also, a number of the things I'm doing right now are a bit more longterm. I have reported a little bit on my knitting project, and I'll tell all about the other projects when I feel ready. It's a little bit too soon yet. I don't know about you, but my experience is that if I talk too much too soon about an idea or a project it looses some of its' potency to me.

So about this blog. I want to get in here and write more often. Given that my children allow me the time of course =). One thing that has interested me for a long time now is other peoples' passions, and I have long wanted to interview people about their greatest passions. I pictured it like an almost impossible book project, but now I figured why not do it here? My passion obviosly is creative activity and I might try the questions out on myself first and give you my answers first ;). Do you have a passion you would like to share or be interviewed about?

Lot's of love and light to all of you, and have a happy solstice tomorrow if I don't pop in here then!

action.

I've been doing some thinking and planning for the year to come. Every year I tell myself I should do it, and I have never gotten round to until now. Amongst other things I wrote a loooong list of thins big and small I would like to have done come new year 2012. One of the bigger things, which encompasses most of the other things is this:

In the year of 2012 I'm going to give my creativity dreams a real go. I am going to try and make a living of them. I have said these words before. Not out loud like this. I've whispered them to myself silently enough for me to be able to say that, no, I didn't really say it, not really. Still, it's just words, so the most important theme in 2012 I shall try to make action. Not just dream - do!

So hopefully I'll be able to by and by report on how to get hold of little beatiful things I make if you would like to :). I have started the creating bit, after lots of trouble deciding where to begin... Ideas have never lacked me, but to finish things is harder for me, and the mere thought of selling something I made honestly scares the sh-t out of me! But now I've made it official, so now I have to be brave, right?


What are your big and/or small dreams for 2012?

to mean something. to exist.

I haven't written anything here for over a week. I have been busy with the course I'm participating in and the thoughts it's provoking. This past week has been about trying to name and challenge your fears. One of the fears I have is of being completely insignificant to the world and the people in it and that because of it I'll end up isolated and my art and work ignored by everyone. When you face such fears it is so good to be surrounded by people you love. I have P and the beautiful children of ours and I know in my heart how significant I am to them. And loved. I wish for everyone to experience this - to feel truly loved. I know that for many that isn't always obvious. It's so important that we look after eachother, and not just our closest ones, but the stranger in the street as well. And the many persons suffering for different reasons in countries such as Kongo, Afghanistan or Eritrea. I continue trying to think of how I can be of service to the world.


I also remembered a poem I wrote about feeling isolated, about longing for another person to see you and calling you into existence. I wrote it in swedish, but will attempt a translation (follows the swedish version below):


Kvinna 1:
Tala. Det är så tyst här.
Tala. Du måste tala.
Jag måste få höra din röst.
För att kunna orientera mig.
I detta mörker finns inget syd.
Inget nord.
Ingen riktning.
Ingen känsla för rymd.
Bara avstånd.

Kvinna 2:
Jag formar mina läppar i vokaler och konsonanter.
Inga vågor går från min mun.
Stranden är torrlagd,
snäckorna tunna och sköra.
Spricker i skärvor och ramlar som damm
från mitt ansikte.
Jag är gammal.
Jag blev aldrig ens född.



Kvinna 1:
Är detta land eller hav?
Är jag i rörelse eller är jag stilla?
Jag kan inte längre minnas.
Fyrtornets mjölkiga ljus
som hälls ut över himlen i rytmiska kaskader.
Vibrerande vågor genom luften
laddar min kropp med riktning. Då.
Membranen har stannat.
Stillnat in i intet.
En lystran som aldrig möts.
Jag har glömt.
Jag har fallit i glömska.

Kvinna 2:
Jag vill kalla.
Jag vill mana.
Jag vill så frön av ord i luften.
Se dem segla iväg
och sätta fäste.
I något.
I någon.
Jag vill få betydelse.
Jag vill genljuda i någon,
och skapa klang!

Kvinna 1:
Jag vill bli förankrad.
Jag vill bli kallad.
Mitt namn skulle vara ett ankare,
att förtöja mig, att fästa mig vid livet.
Att visa mig vad som är djup
och vad som är oändlig höjd.


First woman:

Speak. It is so silent here.
Speak. You have to speak.
I need to hear your voice.
To orient myself.
In this darkness there is no south.
No north.
No direction.
No sence of space.
Only distance.

Second woman:
I shape my lips into consonants and vowels.
No ways leave my mouth.
The beach is dried up,
the shells thin and frail.
Crumble inte rubbles falling like dust
from my face.
I am old.
I was never even born.

First woman:

Is this land or ocean?
Am I moving or am I still?
I can no longer remember.
The milky light from the lighthouse
poured out over the sky in rythmic cascades.
Vibrating waves through the air
charges my body with direction. Then.
The membrance have stopped.
Becalmed into nothing.
A hearkening left unmet.
I have forgotten.
I have fallen into oblivion.

Second woman:
I want to call.
I want to exhort.
I want to sow seeds of words into the air.
Watch them sail away
and attach.
Into something.
Into someone.
I want to have meaning.
I want to resonate in someone
and create clang!

First woman:
I want to be anchored.
I want to be called.
My name would be an anchor
to moor me, to berth me in life.
To show me what is depth
and what is infinite high.

creative goddess.

I joined my first e-course. About finding creativity and exploring art in a spiritual way. First assignment was to make something inspired by a meditation we did and this is what I came up with.

If you're interested in the course, go to http://www.goddessguidebook.com/ and read about the creative goddess e-course. I've only done one week so far, but I allready like it a lot!

doodliedee doodliedaa.

Isn't it fun how some closeups can actually make it seem like you created a fabulous work of art when really all you did was press toiletpaper rolls on white paper and squeezed two papers together with some paint on them? Tihi :). Great tips for creating with small children!

dream world.

So I've made myself a challenge of finding ways to make this world a better place. Quite a large challenge, but why not? I want to do something grand that matters on a global level, but since I haven't yet figured out what I might be able to do I'm starting on the microlevel for the time being. I don't know how many of you there is that are reading this, but I thought it could be nice to exchange ideas on how one can do really small and easy things that may still make a difference. Because I've decided that those so called childish dreams of eternal world peace, food for all and access to help whenever needed are right on the mark!

So what can one do? I headed over to amnesty's homepage, and they are (at least in Sweden, but I think internationally as well) running a campaign right now where you can sign ten emails = ten cases. A swift, free, easy way to do some good. I think they have weekly cases you can sign always. So:

1. Sign emails at www.amnesty.se or amnesty's homepage in your country.

I've also started taking one or two extra plastic bags when on outings to pick up some extra garbage that maybe some teenagers busy with other things forgot about ;). To make our naturespots stay pleasant. I've also started taking care of (sometimes when inspired to) non-disgusting things that get thrown on the playground. I feel a bit silly, or a bit like the old angry lady who grumpily tries to keep order everywhere, hehe. But I'm not grumpy, I promise :). I do however believe that our surroundings can effect how we feel!

If you want to:

2. Help keeping our surroundings tidy and inspiring and fit for play.

I need to go now and take care of mylittle ones, so I guess this may be a series of posts. Feel free to join in and share your tips on how to be a part of creating a dream world!

Loving coming your way!

/R.

project begin erase.

A small but important step closer to actually being able to make this text appear on stage:I now have a choreografer! Hooooray! We met at my place the other evening and I explained the ideas I have of the meaning of the text. It was a real challenge to do so in a way that can be clearly understood by someone other than me. And inspiring too! It feels so good to enter into a creative process in which I am not alone. To discuss and to learn. To let this text now slowly come to life.

I am also very excited I am going to learn some dancing!

Yay!

close. distant. part two.

I'm reading a book. It's a short one and I hardly ever have time to read in it, but I am reading. And it got me thinking. It's a book by Stephane Hessel - Indignez-vouz! in french, I don't know the title in english. Even though I haven't read all about it, I felt I wanted to write a little something here, since the subject is so important. Monsieur Hessel is a man who has been through a lot in his long life, and who has fought hard for human values. He was one of the men who formulated the Human Rights. And he is exasperated to look at the way the world is being shaped, and how indifferent we are in front of it. Refugees that are treated like criminals, extremely wealthy powerful people argumenting why they should have more and the poor less. The list goes on. And I can't help but think of it a little bit in the terms that I wrote about here:

close. distant.

It may not be the exact same thing, but don't you agree that there is a sort of "stream" or "value" or "way of living" that promotes distancing ourselvesfrom eachother that has been going on for a while now? When I look around I see so much focus on surface. You can't go anywhere without being compelled to buy, buy, buy stuff. And a large part of the culture we are fed seems to have no content, no purpose except to make us forget the present for a while. This can be all good, and I like that kind of culture too, but sometimes it seems so much in majority compared to other things. It's like we live only for the surface of our lives. How do I look (fashion industry fiercly claiming to be "proper" culture with depth and meaning (some of it is, but most of it...) is quite interesting, don't you think?)? How does my home look? What things (as in items) do I want in my life? And that seems to be it. You seldom get any further. Is all this an elongement of those fears I wrote about? That we cannot be close, because then we might get rejected, and we cannot be distant, because we fear being alone. If we leave the surface and look for meaning, truth, relation instead of consumation, we might face some pain and agony. Because the world is in many ways suffering. Many people are severely suffering. And many other persons are committing atrocious actions. And all of those persons are in some meaning people just like ourselves. I sure understand all this. I go to the surface to escape having to face that pain in my everyday life. Like everyone else.

Reading Hessels book makes me feel I shouldn't.

And that, I think, is a good thing. The next, much more difficult step, is to figure out what to do. Not so easy.

I do however feel that culture hasan important role to play here. Through the arts we can get in touch with sides of ourselves that we don't in our ordinary everyday lives. We can also experience understanding and get close to people, places and phenomena or actions that we normally feel a large distance to. And this may create bridges. Possibilities to experience The Other as a You, not an It, as Buber might have put it. So for one thing, I feel I need to further explore how I can encourage people to dare be creative, and fight for everybody's right to experience a variety of cultural expression - like actually reading some of the classics in school - they have so much t teach us!

What do you think about all of this?

Love and light to all of you!

/Robin

A gorgeous day.

It's midnovember and the sun is shining! The Sun Is Shining. I cannot emphasize this enough, how beautiful it is that the trees still have leaves, that the leaves that have fallen are still yellow and spread out over green grass. In Sweden, midnovember. Ahhh...

Of course I took advantage of this marvellouseness and went outside in the morning with the little one. She had a gorgeous nap and I a gorgeous coffee, read and knit. And she then allowed me to yoga for a bit while watching happily. Gorgeous day indeed!

I am working on some longterm stuff - one of them being the shawl I've told you about earlier. The base for water/ocean, tree/forest and fire/sun are now completed. On to stone/mineral/mountain :)!

I wish you all plenty of gorgeous days!!

Lost at sea.

Sometimes, like for example today, I feel like I am no longer sure what it is that my dream really is. So, I want to create. But what does that mean in my everyday life? I draw a painting every now and then and knit a bit? it doesn't feel like that is what it's supposed to be. It should be something more, but what exactly? Live and work as a multiartist, sure, I've said it allready. But what does that mean for me? I don't have the skills, I don't have the network, surely I can't live that dream. And to face the truth: I have never worked as any kind of artist. How do I know that that dream is real? Or that I deserve to have it?

And where do I want to live? This question bothers me a lot right now. I picture myself in a house near forest and sea, with rooms all inspiring me and my loved ones, a fire burning, something homemade cooking in the kitchen. But I have never lived in a house, never lived in the countryside, so how do I now wether this dream is actually what I want?

I feel like I'm floating around without safe ground under my feet those days, like I'm being blown about. And then I figured it would be nice to picture it being a friendly sister breathing at the ship my life is, making me go on a rollercoaster waveride for a bit.

Woman in fish.

I'm so sorry my photos are so crappy... It obviously is not my primary medium. Anyway. I decided to finally make a "real" picture from one of my scetches - and here it is, a couple of days later. I had such a good moment today, when my son was at daycare and my daughter asleep. I lit a candle, poored some coffee and brought out the stuff - yipee!

And I feel ridicilously proud over the result. Or just the fact that there is a result. I took the time to do something that makes me happy and that ought to make one happy and proud, no?

I think I named the series of scetches Walking the Undergrounds, because they are from the period in my life when I studied psychology and went through the mandatory therapy. Like walking the undergrounds of your mind. And I like it. I feel inspired to do some more creative stuff. And it makes me curious about what other persons' images of there Undergrounds would look like!

Walking the Underground (scetches).

Doorway.

I listened to a talk on something called "The worlds biggest summit", and in it, the woman giving the talk asked the listeners to paint or draw or collage or something a doorway. So I did. I imediatly saw a warm light surrounded by greens. Somewhere in the deep forest my doorway is gleeming.

Doorway into myself, my inner realm.

Doorway as a passage from one phase to another.

Doorway by which the heart opens up to the world.

What does your door look like?

doodling away

Just playing along with my crayons while Missy is sleeping :).

I love oil pastels because even if everything turns out wrong it still somehow turns out right.

Just in a different way than you planned.

Kind of like life!

I was brave.

Yesterday I sent the manuscript of one of my monologues to a theatre direvtor/owner nearby where I live to see if maybe we could collaborate and I could perform it there. And today I was declined.

A little bit sad.

But still happy I had the guts.

I feel brave :).

And even though they didn't like it I still feel sure that I do, and I am convinced that I will find one place or another where I can perform it. Even if it is at home. I could probably squeeze in between five and ten viewers :).

I'm less depleted. More inspired. Ideas are shaping in my head and heart.

And I've got a strong feeling of looking forward to the rest of my life!

Have a good day/evening/night!

depleted. inspired.

I am so tired. And today I feel lost. Many days have passed now when I haven't slept properly and I haven't had the "my own time" - time that I so desperately need. Quite common problems when you have a 2-yearold and a newborn in the house I presume...

I am also so at ends with myself for not doing that which I need and want. Not a unique problem either.. If I had a great, easy solution on how to turn what you know you should do into concrete action I guess I could get rich :). Until then I'm stuck with the old "just get your lazy ass off the couch and do it" or "be positive and picture it done and everything will sort itself out". But all these obstacles that I put up in front of my every intention, what about them? They tire me out completely! I'm so sick of them!

And yet, in the midst of this I can feel inspiration rumble about a little bit. I know I can get where I want to be if I could just get going. But there is so much that comes beforehand: the children, keeping our home at least almost ok when it comes to tidyness, cooking (three things I want to do and spend time with), watching tv, making lists about what I ought to do, stuffing myself with candy and food that's no good for me, thinking about doing things I dream of, having anxiety because I get older and older and don't get anything done. Anybody recognize themselves?

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself at the moment? Or maybe I should - what kind of mother am I if I teach my children that dreams are not important, or to give up if it's difficult, or not to follow what your heart tells you. That's not how I want them to describe me - like someone who never got round to doing what she loved most doing, who didn't value herself and who was terrified of what other people would think of her.

Indeed not.

So now I have to continue looking for what ever way works for me.

Forest. Inspiration.

A working spot with a view I woldn't mind.

Lovely green grass and lovely water clad in falling autumn leaves.

My favorite working spot at the moment.

I spent a couple of days in the forest with the children and some of the grandparents. In a beautiful yellow house by a small watercourse, surrounded by the deep forests of Småland. It has been sheer joy to see my son running about between trees, picking and eating lingonberries, chatting with cows - cheeks glowing red with cold and excitement. The little one more content than ever - happy to lay kicking and flapping by the fireside - giggling even.

And there is something about that house. Instantly as you enter it you feel relaxed and inspiration starts to trickle in your veins. I saw its' effect on all three of us. I wish I could make my own home so full of calmness and inspiration. That is actually a really good challenge!

Do you have a special place that inspires you?

right now

Rain is pouring down in heaps. So I've opened my door ajar to let in the wonderful air. I just love the way the air feels and smells when it's raining. Never mind it's a bit cold.

As soon as my baby falls asleep (if she does) I'm going to throw myself over my current project that you can see on the photo. It was suppoused to have been finished by now, but I guess next autumn is also a good deadline. With a baby and a twoyearold in the house there is no such thing as "on time" or "hurry". Which in some ways is really nice.

Anyway, the reasonI'm knitting this is because I was inspired by another project of mine (www.symbolicskin.blogspot.com) in which I wrote shortly about my desire to come into closer contact with nature, and so the idea is to make a huge shawl in the colours of nature - forest, ocean, sun/fire and mountain/stones/minerals. We'll see how that turns out =). Knitting seems to be the perfect way to be creative when you have small children since it's so easy to just pick up for a couple of seconds or minutes and just lay down instantly whenever it's needed. I never thought I would start knitting, but there you go. If you have to be creative you have to, so just go with whatever expression you can, right? After all, it's all about exploring in a sence, don't you think?

longing for something

This is something I actually drew quite a long time ago. I was in my twenties and filled with fear and an undefined longing for "something". This something was supposed to fill the void I was carrying within and help me become this wonderful person I hoped was in there somewhere. And I drew this picture. I found it when I went threw my creative stuff the other day. I wanted sort of to see wether this vision of myself as an artist is just a fantasy freak that I've made up to console myself or wether there might actually be some truth to it. And I found lots of things. Horrible things and beautiful things. Most of all these things tell me the story of someone who really wants something, but over and over again runs into or makes up obstacles not to get it. About feeling different and strange and afraid to go for it and let that strange light shine the way it wants to.

Today I have given birth to two children I deeply appriciate and love, and thrive in caring for. Now is the time to also care for my tiny artist inside so she may grow. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to my children so they learn that dreams are worth fighting for, and that even though you feel different and like you don't belong you are totally loveable and it's aloud to love oneself and all these other things you want your children to know! I still feel this strong longing to express myself and be creative and feel that I carry lot's of ideas and projects to be born. I "just" have to challenge the fears of failure, of being a horrible mother, of never having any money etcetera if I follow my dream, and then I'll get there, surely?

What fears have you encountered/conquered? What is your special light?

autumn colours

Autumn strolls slowly into the big yard outside where we live. We have had some wonderful almost still summer days that made the beauty of autumn really burst into flames. I tried out the hipstamaticapp on my iphone and played around a little bit :). I so much love being outside and hope the winter chill and the grey stinging rains stay away a while longer. Today is a really grey day, so it doesn't look probable, but I wont lose hope just yet!

I'm so inspired trying to find scraps of time to be creative and explore how to get an everyday life filled with artistic expression, curiosity about basically everything (something I strive to encourage in my children) and wonder of the small things. Such as the flowers above. I planted the seeds with my son this spring, and we have watched them grow, blossom (for a really long time, hooray) and yesterday I gathered some of their seeds for us to plant next year. I've also set myself the challenge of trying to come up with ways to be creative and artistic with a two-year-old. Not always obvious, but often fun!

Begin. Erase.

I wrote a play. A monologue. The title: Begin. Erase.

Because that is so much the story of my relationship to my dreams. Basically all of them. A dream becomes clear to me. I get excited. Sometimes even mesmerized at how wonderful it is and how beautiful my life will be if I follow it. And so, inspired I begin.

And then...

I choke. Or fade. Or doubt. Or procrastrinate. Or judge. A million things except for following the dream. I erase.

And so for years and years and years I felt as if though I was stuck in a waiting room of some sort. My life not quite started. Or maybe ended. Or at least stopped. Hard to tell sometimes (another momologue about that in slow making).

And so I came to the realization that by doing this to my dreams for such a long time I had actually started erasing myself. Like for example: I have absolutely nothing to wear (becoming mother twice, nursing, body changing makes for an urgent need for change of wardrobe!), but I can't bring myself to by anything because I have no idea what I like. Just a small example.

Ok.What to do? A change of attitude is of course necessary. And I do think that I am now mature and ready to make it. I am going to use this blog as a motivator to go forward and try and make my dreams come true. Join me on the journey if you like. Bring your own dreams! Let's try, discuss, inspire eachother... And if nobody gives a rat's ass about me and my dreams I'll write this blog for me ;).

Begin.