First sell.

My artwork in the café. Impossible to get a good image of the pictures, but you can see how nicely they are framed :).

Exhibition is over. I went to pick up the illustrations a couple of days ago. When I decided to put them on display I really didn't dream that anybody was even going to notice them.
Do I sence some seflcritique here? Some fears maybe?

I was then utterly surprised when I actually sold two! Ha!

I totally take it as a sign from the universe I do deserve to be an artist and that I should step it up.

And so I am trying to open my Etsyshop now. I say trying, because everything that is technical or IT seems to present me with a neverending list of tiny but annoying obstacles to get over. For example, I spent half an hour in bed paralyzed by unexplicable fear (nobody ever admits to how extremely scary it is to go for your dreams - or maybe they do, I just didn't realize what that meant exactly. Like imitating a corpse in bed for half an hour. Or suddenly feeling the urge to tidy your whole appartement. Or run a marathon on a weeknight.).

So now I have made a list of things I need to do (find out standard measures for passepartouts at the place I frame my pictures, find out shipping costs, finding the right kind of envelopes to ship in without things breaking, figuring out PayPal - I know it is supposed to work without figuring out, I am still terrified as soon as I start typing the adress in).

And as I write this I realize I am probably the most scared person I know. Hm.

Anybody else there as scared as I am? And how to deal with it? Do you know? I guess you just have to live with it. To put yourself out there and expose yourself is really scary. Risking having your hopes fall apart too. I'll just keep trying to push myself to do it anyways.
To see where I end up.

Love!

overwhelmed. exited. tired.

Hi.

This blog is just barely living now... I am neglicting it severely. I think it is another sign of how I ruin things for myself. Let things I really care for just wither away. Not actively ditching it. Just "forgetting" until nothing remains.

My dream is not dead, however. It is slowly slowly manifesting.
I have an exhibition running in a café now, and have had at least some positive comments on what I have created :). I have also invited a friend and artist over for a workshop where we are going to create a lot, and plan for how our art can get out into the world. If she wants to come. Which of course she does.

I am working on a project for the blog too. I have seen a lot of other bloggers running 30 days - projects of different kinds on their blogs and am working on an artproject/glimpse into my everyday life that will run for 30 days. I think it will be fun.

I have started working now, maybe six weeks ago, after having been on maternal leave for over a year. And it is hard! I travel to another city three days a week and don't come home until late. My son calls me on the phone when I'm on my way home sometimes because he misses me so much he can't wait and it breaks my heart to here his voice, sometimes shattered from crying. I have to keep going for my dream. I don't want to be away from my children so much.

The job is challenging. I learn SO much, but at the same time I am totally depleted. Maybe when I get used to it it will be easier?

Love!

Woman. Blanket.

Woman. Blanket.

I totally feel like cuddling up in some warmth right now. I dream of knitting ponchos and socks for the whole family. Maybe I will....

Love!

long silence.

I have been away from this space for quite a while now.
I started thinking and, as I sometimes do from thinking, became silent.
I felt I had so much to say and share here, but I didn't know where to start.
I also couldn't shake the feeling I was heading in the wrong direction.

How so?

A year ago I (so much later than everybody else, I know) discovered the wonderful world of blogs. I was totally inspired and started following a number of them. There are so many beautiful persons out there writing and photografing and contributing. And most of them have a specific purpose and a strong desire to help others.

Being a psychologist, I too have this desire. Or do I? I started out trying to come up with ways to "give back to the world". I have started on possibly four different e-books and two e-courses, hit a wall after a while and left them all behind me like stranded whales. And I dragged them around after me for a while as guilty guilty consciosnesses. I really should try and do something for somebody. And I still think I can. But there is another problem here. It is going to sound awful so I'm just going to put it out there.

I don't want to.

Not here. Not in the time have for myself.

I do believe I can do a lot of good for other people at my day job. And I think that ought to be good enough. I discovered a rather nasty feeling of resentment and bitterness. And realized I felt (oh so petty I know) that I haden't gotten the support I needed, and why shouldn't I be at the recieving end for once. And so I decided to start at the point where I am actually standing on (this seems to be a process I need to go through over and over). I want to heal myself first.

And part of my healing is also at the core of why I started out blogging in the first place.

 I want to create art.

I want to be an artist. I want to be able to feel I deserve to create art just because I want to. And that should be enough. I want to trust the universe that since this calling is so strong inside me, there will be ways that my art can help others. I need to trust.

And so I got myself some nice clothes, and I cut my hair a bit, and I am learning to make green smoothies and some raw food meals. I am going to a spa treatment for the first time in my life today. Care for myself a bit.

Oh, and I have an exhibition in one of the cafés around here! Photos of that in next post.

There will be a next post, I promise...

I have now written a post totally about what everybody sais you shouldni't do: Me me me without a single word on why this is interesting for anybody else. Hm.

I am going to allow myself to be selfish a while longer ;).

Oh, and one of the wonderful blogs is this one:

36words.typepad.com

I find it a meditation and inspiration basically everyday.

Love!

fossiles.

I have been silent here for many more days than I thought I would.
I have been thinking about you and this place everyday though.
It seems like summer just grabs hold of me with all its' outdoor loveliness.
We are now by the see, and I am totally enchanted with all the marvellous stones the beach is covered in.
I want to pick up each and every one and look at it.
I especially love the huge amount of pieces of fossile to be found here. I love looking at them, their beautiful pattern. I love feeling them, weighing them in my hand, imagining a beach covered in huge insects scuffling about their business.
To feel time, physically, in my hands.
And to be reminded of how short my own time on earth is. How precious I ought to hold it.

How fantastic this planet is that we inhabit.
How I ought to worship and honour it in every possible way.
And enjoy it.

How grateful I can be.
For everything.

All my love to you!

just a few images.

This afternoon we got back to Stockholm, the kids and I. After a looooong drive of six hours. We had a really nice stay with my father and his wife and I have so many sweet images I would like to share with you. I am übertired, so I will give you only a glimpse now, and you'll see more later.

Missy L. picking her first black currants (notice standing posture, she is walking!)

Young Master S. throwing pebbles and stones in the brook and contemplating the Ocean.

I love them so much.

I wish you many happy or wonderful or explorative or loving or soothing or developing (to learn) days around your loved ones. Or all of the above adjectives!

Love!

fragments.

I have this really strong impulse to take selfportraits right now. Portraits of parts of me. Fragments. I have been feeling a bit embarassed about it, as if I ought to be ashamed to want to picture myself. As if these fragments are too banal, too poorly executed. That I am such an amateur and why would anybody want to look at it.

And then I had this conversation with my sister. And she said that she understood the lack of connection I sometimes feel nowadays since I always get interrupted and have to get up and take care of something. She said she thought my existence must feel so fragmented.

And of course that is it.
My need to take pictures of parts of me are of course a way to put my feeling of fragmentisation out into the world. I just had to laugh out loud at how well she nailed it down :).

And allthough the word has negative connotations, taking the pictures make me feel happy and a bit more hole. So I will continue.

This last pictures is of marks baby L has given me. She bites!

I will be going away with the kids for a week to visit my father and his wife and I don't know if I will be able to post in during that week. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to do some textile art that B is fabulous at. If I don't get to talk to you, then take care and have a great week!

All my love to you!

finally.

It took abslutely forever, but now it's done.

Nothing special. Just a little "thingy". I meant to make it available as a PDF, but since I don't know how to do that yet, I decided to post it in the form of a number of images here. I think it's a cartoon.

I read a tiny e-book about finishing projects, riding the wild donkey, just get things done, by Leonie Dawson, and found it highly inspirational. Download it here if you want to. It's free. She completes projects like this one in a couple of hours. It took me a couple of weeks (mister P just a little bit irritated at watercolours, pencils and papers floating about in the apartment for over a month...).

The colours didn't come out great, but here you go!

All my love!

thinking about you.

This is something I have done a lot lately, actually.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What are your hopes and dreams?
Why do you visit my blog?
What do you like about it?
What don't you like about it?
What could I give you that would make your heart sing?

When I wrote the first post here, I did it for me. I had a vague idea that I would eventually like to take the blog a step further and adress others, and then hopefully many others. But when I started out I didn't know anything about blogging, or the blogospere at all. It was completely new territory for me. It still is new and a bit foreign, but I can feel that I am slowly slowly making this space mine.

And now that I feel that this space is becoming mine, I am able to start focusing more on you. I want to write, of course, for you. I would like for you to feel inspired, or happy, or think, or.... something.... when you come to this space.

I am not completely ready with that question, but I will get there. I have a few ideas :). I have been thinking about what I have that I can give, and there are a few things. I have also been thinking about what I want to do and what is my sweet spot in this world. I do want to create, and I hope that what I create can bring thoughts, feelings, joy and inspiration to others. I also want to help others get creative. As I stated when I started the blog. What's new is that the psychologist side of me also wants in. Going through with that education has given me knowledge that can be valuable to others, and I am hoping to find a way to share that with you that is also creative and explores the arts.

When I read about how other bloggers do, a lot of them has more specificity than I do.
I am all over the place.
I know that.
It is part of who I am, but maybe that is not what you are looking for? Maybe I need to challenge myself to be more focused. I don't know.

Whatever the answer to all these questions are, I am so much enjoying this adventure. I don't have as much time on my hands to really create the space the way I want it here. But that time will surely come further along, and in the meantime, I will just be an example of how you just do things anyway. Even if they turn out far from perfect. Even if you don't have time, or the energy, or the social network, or.... Just do it anyway.

All my love!

path.

I wish it were this clear. The path. And as sunny.

Walking my path I feel more like the QWOP - guy (click here if you want to try it out) than anything else. I can't wait for some unstuckness to happen.

But I know, I know. There is a lesson here. Probably several. One day I will get it. I will. I will get there. I will live my dream. My path is also sunny. It also has shadows dancing on the ground. It is a dance. It is. The steps are unclear for me right now, but I will find the beat. My beat.

A realization.

I just realized something.

I know what it is that I want to do, right? In terms of actions. Easy. I want to draw, sing, act, make music, write, somehow work with interviewing people and analyzing interviews. Clear.

I know fairly well how. I have my own business, because I don't want to be part of a strict hierarchy, and I don't like when other people tell me what to do, how to do it and then stand behind my shoulder watching me do it (I have only once had this kind of boss, so it's a little unfair to bosses...). I also want to decide for myself when and for how long to work. I would like to have at least a part of my business online so I don't get stuck geographically.  But I don't want to work in solitude, I want to be part of a team of some sorts. Actually this may also have come true allready. I am now part of a network called Subtopia - it's for creative entrepreneurs of all kinds - lots of circus artists, writers, film makers, actors etcetera. I was just accepted into their hub, and will have free office space for a year, access to some coaching and workshops and of course I will be part of a (hopefully) fabulous network. Hooray!

And still I have this feeling that I am so unstable in all of this. I find it hard to focus. I don't finish things. I become easily distracted. But why? And it dawned on me that my goal is so unclear. I don't know where it is I want to get to. Me and P are discussing what we want to do with our life, where we want to live (have to move since I don't have an income), what we want to do for a living, what kind of everyday life we want for our children etcetera. And I am surprised at how difficult it is for me to answer those questions. It is like I have a number of ready answers, but when I look inside my heart, I am not sure I feel those answers anymore. You know? I don't feel the weight of their truth anchoring me inside.
I am not saying they are no longer my truths, I just don't feel it clearly.

And I don't know why I want to do all those things. Why do I want to act? Or sing? Or draw and write? What do I want to achieve? What place do I and my business have in the rest of the universe? What do I want with my business? I have fun and feel aligned with the universe when I do all those things, but is that the Reason for my business and me?

My vision is so much unclearer than I thought it was.

Partly because I am so tired of course. There may be a reason for not starting your business two weeks before having a baby.... At this point I just want to sleep. I just want to f*ing sleep for more than three hours in a row. The other day I almost fell of my own feet falling asleep standing up in the kitchen. And if this is the problem, then no worries. This phase of motherhood is soon over. Probably within six months. And that's not so long in the long run. Problem is I can't wait that long. I have to start make money now. Not at all stressful :). So, if you see links to Amazon for example - it is me deciding to pick up this thing with linking to products and getting a small financial thank you if there is a sale. I have been a bit reluctant about it, since I don't like ads and such. The Goddess Circle I have a link to here is of course an ad - and I put it there because it is something I love being part of, and would like to see more people join so I can connect to more wonderful beings there. But, I might still do it - become an affiliate to Amazone that is. We'll see.

For now: I must get back to tending my sick kids - one of whom is getting mighty unpatient with me...

Love!

flooded.

One reason that it's great to have kids is you have an excuse to jump in puddles again!

Love!