fears.

This time is different.

Like I said, I have decided to take myself and my dreams more seriously before. And it has not changed a single thing. Not much anyway. But this time... Something is different. I made the same promise, but this time something really shifted within me. It's not big. No thunder and lightening, no complete makeovers "I'm gonna cut my hair and get a completely new wardrobe to show I'm different now" kind of thing. Just a tiny shift.

And it has set my inner world in turmoil. All my fears are awakened. Screaming at me:

Give up!

Fail at once!

Don't do it!

Everybody is going to laugh at you!

You have nothing to offer to the world!

I know that these fears are not unique to me. Bookshelf after bookshelf has been filled to the brim with wise words (and unwise) about how to overcome these fears. They are why so many of us never create anything at all, not even in the safety of our own homes. I still get sick with nervosity when I show something to P and he is the person who loves me the most in this world and chooses to live with me and have children with me...

I hope to find a way to inspire people to pick up these wonderful things that singing, painting, writing, knitting etcetera etcetera can be - just for fun. It's a way for us grownups to play, to be free, to experience spirit, to express ourselves! So I can't budge now, can I?

Retorical question. Of course I can't. And I wont. Slowly, slowly. A tiny bit everyday - when I have a shred of time - I work on the designs for the first artwork/inspiration tool I want disperse into the world.

I am so happy to know you are reading! All my love to you!

where to?

I have been thinking about this blog today. I have a growing feeling that I want to make something more of it than it is right now. To solely use it as an incentive to create is no longer necessary. I have managed to tap into my underground stream of creativity, and I do a little bit of creating every day. Also, a number of the things I'm doing right now are a bit more longterm. I have reported a little bit on my knitting project, and I'll tell all about the other projects when I feel ready. It's a little bit too soon yet. I don't know about you, but my experience is that if I talk too much too soon about an idea or a project it looses some of its' potency to me.

So about this blog. I want to get in here and write more often. Given that my children allow me the time of course =). One thing that has interested me for a long time now is other peoples' passions, and I have long wanted to interview people about their greatest passions. I pictured it like an almost impossible book project, but now I figured why not do it here? My passion obviosly is creative activity and I might try the questions out on myself first and give you my answers first ;). Do you have a passion you would like to share or be interviewed about?

Lot's of love and light to all of you, and have a happy solstice tomorrow if I don't pop in here then!

action.

I've been doing some thinking and planning for the year to come. Every year I tell myself I should do it, and I have never gotten round to until now. Amongst other things I wrote a loooong list of thins big and small I would like to have done come new year 2012. One of the bigger things, which encompasses most of the other things is this:

In the year of 2012 I'm going to give my creativity dreams a real go. I am going to try and make a living of them. I have said these words before. Not out loud like this. I've whispered them to myself silently enough for me to be able to say that, no, I didn't really say it, not really. Still, it's just words, so the most important theme in 2012 I shall try to make action. Not just dream - do!

So hopefully I'll be able to by and by report on how to get hold of little beatiful things I make if you would like to :). I have started the creating bit, after lots of trouble deciding where to begin... Ideas have never lacked me, but to finish things is harder for me, and the mere thought of selling something I made honestly scares the sh-t out of me! But now I've made it official, so now I have to be brave, right?


What are your big and/or small dreams for 2012?

to mean something. to exist.

I haven't written anything here for over a week. I have been busy with the course I'm participating in and the thoughts it's provoking. This past week has been about trying to name and challenge your fears. One of the fears I have is of being completely insignificant to the world and the people in it and that because of it I'll end up isolated and my art and work ignored by everyone. When you face such fears it is so good to be surrounded by people you love. I have P and the beautiful children of ours and I know in my heart how significant I am to them. And loved. I wish for everyone to experience this - to feel truly loved. I know that for many that isn't always obvious. It's so important that we look after eachother, and not just our closest ones, but the stranger in the street as well. And the many persons suffering for different reasons in countries such as Kongo, Afghanistan or Eritrea. I continue trying to think of how I can be of service to the world.


I also remembered a poem I wrote about feeling isolated, about longing for another person to see you and calling you into existence. I wrote it in swedish, but will attempt a translation (follows the swedish version below):


Kvinna 1:
Tala. Det är så tyst här.
Tala. Du måste tala.
Jag måste få höra din röst.
För att kunna orientera mig.
I detta mörker finns inget syd.
Inget nord.
Ingen riktning.
Ingen känsla för rymd.
Bara avstånd.

Kvinna 2:
Jag formar mina läppar i vokaler och konsonanter.
Inga vågor går från min mun.
Stranden är torrlagd,
snäckorna tunna och sköra.
Spricker i skärvor och ramlar som damm
från mitt ansikte.
Jag är gammal.
Jag blev aldrig ens född.



Kvinna 1:
Är detta land eller hav?
Är jag i rörelse eller är jag stilla?
Jag kan inte längre minnas.
Fyrtornets mjölkiga ljus
som hälls ut över himlen i rytmiska kaskader.
Vibrerande vågor genom luften
laddar min kropp med riktning. Då.
Membranen har stannat.
Stillnat in i intet.
En lystran som aldrig möts.
Jag har glömt.
Jag har fallit i glömska.

Kvinna 2:
Jag vill kalla.
Jag vill mana.
Jag vill så frön av ord i luften.
Se dem segla iväg
och sätta fäste.
I något.
I någon.
Jag vill få betydelse.
Jag vill genljuda i någon,
och skapa klang!

Kvinna 1:
Jag vill bli förankrad.
Jag vill bli kallad.
Mitt namn skulle vara ett ankare,
att förtöja mig, att fästa mig vid livet.
Att visa mig vad som är djup
och vad som är oändlig höjd.


First woman:

Speak. It is so silent here.
Speak. You have to speak.
I need to hear your voice.
To orient myself.
In this darkness there is no south.
No north.
No direction.
No sence of space.
Only distance.

Second woman:
I shape my lips into consonants and vowels.
No ways leave my mouth.
The beach is dried up,
the shells thin and frail.
Crumble inte rubbles falling like dust
from my face.
I am old.
I was never even born.

First woman:

Is this land or ocean?
Am I moving or am I still?
I can no longer remember.
The milky light from the lighthouse
poured out over the sky in rythmic cascades.
Vibrating waves through the air
charges my body with direction. Then.
The membrance have stopped.
Becalmed into nothing.
A hearkening left unmet.
I have forgotten.
I have fallen into oblivion.

Second woman:
I want to call.
I want to exhort.
I want to sow seeds of words into the air.
Watch them sail away
and attach.
Into something.
Into someone.
I want to have meaning.
I want to resonate in someone
and create clang!

First woman:
I want to be anchored.
I want to be called.
My name would be an anchor
to moor me, to berth me in life.
To show me what is depth
and what is infinite high.

creative goddess.

I joined my first e-course. About finding creativity and exploring art in a spiritual way. First assignment was to make something inspired by a meditation we did and this is what I came up with.

If you're interested in the course, go to http://www.goddessguidebook.com/ and read about the creative goddess e-course. I've only done one week so far, but I allready like it a lot!

doodliedee doodliedaa.

Isn't it fun how some closeups can actually make it seem like you created a fabulous work of art when really all you did was press toiletpaper rolls on white paper and squeezed two papers together with some paint on them? Tihi :). Great tips for creating with small children!

dream world.

So I've made myself a challenge of finding ways to make this world a better place. Quite a large challenge, but why not? I want to do something grand that matters on a global level, but since I haven't yet figured out what I might be able to do I'm starting on the microlevel for the time being. I don't know how many of you there is that are reading this, but I thought it could be nice to exchange ideas on how one can do really small and easy things that may still make a difference. Because I've decided that those so called childish dreams of eternal world peace, food for all and access to help whenever needed are right on the mark!

So what can one do? I headed over to amnesty's homepage, and they are (at least in Sweden, but I think internationally as well) running a campaign right now where you can sign ten emails = ten cases. A swift, free, easy way to do some good. I think they have weekly cases you can sign always. So:

1. Sign emails at www.amnesty.se or amnesty's homepage in your country.

I've also started taking one or two extra plastic bags when on outings to pick up some extra garbage that maybe some teenagers busy with other things forgot about ;). To make our naturespots stay pleasant. I've also started taking care of (sometimes when inspired to) non-disgusting things that get thrown on the playground. I feel a bit silly, or a bit like the old angry lady who grumpily tries to keep order everywhere, hehe. But I'm not grumpy, I promise :). I do however believe that our surroundings can effect how we feel!

If you want to:

2. Help keeping our surroundings tidy and inspiring and fit for play.

I need to go now and take care of mylittle ones, so I guess this may be a series of posts. Feel free to join in and share your tips on how to be a part of creating a dream world!

Loving coming your way!

/R.