Doorway.

I listened to a talk on something called "The worlds biggest summit", and in it, the woman giving the talk asked the listeners to paint or draw or collage or something a doorway. So I did. I imediatly saw a warm light surrounded by greens. Somewhere in the deep forest my doorway is gleeming.

Doorway into myself, my inner realm.

Doorway as a passage from one phase to another.

Doorway by which the heart opens up to the world.

What does your door look like?

doodling away

Just playing along with my crayons while Missy is sleeping :).

I love oil pastels because even if everything turns out wrong it still somehow turns out right.

Just in a different way than you planned.

Kind of like life!

I was brave.

Yesterday I sent the manuscript of one of my monologues to a theatre direvtor/owner nearby where I live to see if maybe we could collaborate and I could perform it there. And today I was declined.

A little bit sad.

But still happy I had the guts.

I feel brave :).

And even though they didn't like it I still feel sure that I do, and I am convinced that I will find one place or another where I can perform it. Even if it is at home. I could probably squeeze in between five and ten viewers :).

I'm less depleted. More inspired. Ideas are shaping in my head and heart.

And I've got a strong feeling of looking forward to the rest of my life!

Have a good day/evening/night!

depleted. inspired.

I am so tired. And today I feel lost. Many days have passed now when I haven't slept properly and I haven't had the "my own time" - time that I so desperately need. Quite common problems when you have a 2-yearold and a newborn in the house I presume...

I am also so at ends with myself for not doing that which I need and want. Not a unique problem either.. If I had a great, easy solution on how to turn what you know you should do into concrete action I guess I could get rich :). Until then I'm stuck with the old "just get your lazy ass off the couch and do it" or "be positive and picture it done and everything will sort itself out". But all these obstacles that I put up in front of my every intention, what about them? They tire me out completely! I'm so sick of them!

And yet, in the midst of this I can feel inspiration rumble about a little bit. I know I can get where I want to be if I could just get going. But there is so much that comes beforehand: the children, keeping our home at least almost ok when it comes to tidyness, cooking (three things I want to do and spend time with), watching tv, making lists about what I ought to do, stuffing myself with candy and food that's no good for me, thinking about doing things I dream of, having anxiety because I get older and older and don't get anything done. Anybody recognize themselves?

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself at the moment? Or maybe I should - what kind of mother am I if I teach my children that dreams are not important, or to give up if it's difficult, or not to follow what your heart tells you. That's not how I want them to describe me - like someone who never got round to doing what she loved most doing, who didn't value herself and who was terrified of what other people would think of her.

Indeed not.

So now I have to continue looking for what ever way works for me.

Forest. Inspiration.

A working spot with a view I woldn't mind.

Lovely green grass and lovely water clad in falling autumn leaves.

My favorite working spot at the moment.

I spent a couple of days in the forest with the children and some of the grandparents. In a beautiful yellow house by a small watercourse, surrounded by the deep forests of Småland. It has been sheer joy to see my son running about between trees, picking and eating lingonberries, chatting with cows - cheeks glowing red with cold and excitement. The little one more content than ever - happy to lay kicking and flapping by the fireside - giggling even.

And there is something about that house. Instantly as you enter it you feel relaxed and inspiration starts to trickle in your veins. I saw its' effect on all three of us. I wish I could make my own home so full of calmness and inspiration. That is actually a really good challenge!

Do you have a special place that inspires you?

right now

Rain is pouring down in heaps. So I've opened my door ajar to let in the wonderful air. I just love the way the air feels and smells when it's raining. Never mind it's a bit cold.

As soon as my baby falls asleep (if she does) I'm going to throw myself over my current project that you can see on the photo. It was suppoused to have been finished by now, but I guess next autumn is also a good deadline. With a baby and a twoyearold in the house there is no such thing as "on time" or "hurry". Which in some ways is really nice.

Anyway, the reasonI'm knitting this is because I was inspired by another project of mine (www.symbolicskin.blogspot.com) in which I wrote shortly about my desire to come into closer contact with nature, and so the idea is to make a huge shawl in the colours of nature - forest, ocean, sun/fire and mountain/stones/minerals. We'll see how that turns out =). Knitting seems to be the perfect way to be creative when you have small children since it's so easy to just pick up for a couple of seconds or minutes and just lay down instantly whenever it's needed. I never thought I would start knitting, but there you go. If you have to be creative you have to, so just go with whatever expression you can, right? After all, it's all about exploring in a sence, don't you think?

longing for something

This is something I actually drew quite a long time ago. I was in my twenties and filled with fear and an undefined longing for "something". This something was supposed to fill the void I was carrying within and help me become this wonderful person I hoped was in there somewhere. And I drew this picture. I found it when I went threw my creative stuff the other day. I wanted sort of to see wether this vision of myself as an artist is just a fantasy freak that I've made up to console myself or wether there might actually be some truth to it. And I found lots of things. Horrible things and beautiful things. Most of all these things tell me the story of someone who really wants something, but over and over again runs into or makes up obstacles not to get it. About feeling different and strange and afraid to go for it and let that strange light shine the way it wants to.

Today I have given birth to two children I deeply appriciate and love, and thrive in caring for. Now is the time to also care for my tiny artist inside so she may grow. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to my children so they learn that dreams are worth fighting for, and that even though you feel different and like you don't belong you are totally loveable and it's aloud to love oneself and all these other things you want your children to know! I still feel this strong longing to express myself and be creative and feel that I carry lot's of ideas and projects to be born. I "just" have to challenge the fears of failure, of being a horrible mother, of never having any money etcetera if I follow my dream, and then I'll get there, surely?

What fears have you encountered/conquered? What is your special light?

autumn colours

Autumn strolls slowly into the big yard outside where we live. We have had some wonderful almost still summer days that made the beauty of autumn really burst into flames. I tried out the hipstamaticapp on my iphone and played around a little bit :). I so much love being outside and hope the winter chill and the grey stinging rains stay away a while longer. Today is a really grey day, so it doesn't look probable, but I wont lose hope just yet!

I'm so inspired trying to find scraps of time to be creative and explore how to get an everyday life filled with artistic expression, curiosity about basically everything (something I strive to encourage in my children) and wonder of the small things. Such as the flowers above. I planted the seeds with my son this spring, and we have watched them grow, blossom (for a really long time, hooray) and yesterday I gathered some of their seeds for us to plant next year. I've also set myself the challenge of trying to come up with ways to be creative and artistic with a two-year-old. Not always obvious, but often fun!