long silence.

I have been away from this space for quite a while now.
I started thinking and, as I sometimes do from thinking, became silent.
I felt I had so much to say and share here, but I didn't know where to start.
I also couldn't shake the feeling I was heading in the wrong direction.

How so?

A year ago I (so much later than everybody else, I know) discovered the wonderful world of blogs. I was totally inspired and started following a number of them. There are so many beautiful persons out there writing and photografing and contributing. And most of them have a specific purpose and a strong desire to help others.

Being a psychologist, I too have this desire. Or do I? I started out trying to come up with ways to "give back to the world". I have started on possibly four different e-books and two e-courses, hit a wall after a while and left them all behind me like stranded whales. And I dragged them around after me for a while as guilty guilty consciosnesses. I really should try and do something for somebody. And I still think I can. But there is another problem here. It is going to sound awful so I'm just going to put it out there.

I don't want to.

Not here. Not in the time have for myself.

I do believe I can do a lot of good for other people at my day job. And I think that ought to be good enough. I discovered a rather nasty feeling of resentment and bitterness. And realized I felt (oh so petty I know) that I haden't gotten the support I needed, and why shouldn't I be at the recieving end for once. And so I decided to start at the point where I am actually standing on (this seems to be a process I need to go through over and over). I want to heal myself first.

And part of my healing is also at the core of why I started out blogging in the first place.

 I want to create art.

I want to be an artist. I want to be able to feel I deserve to create art just because I want to. And that should be enough. I want to trust the universe that since this calling is so strong inside me, there will be ways that my art can help others. I need to trust.

And so I got myself some nice clothes, and I cut my hair a bit, and I am learning to make green smoothies and some raw food meals. I am going to a spa treatment for the first time in my life today. Care for myself a bit.

Oh, and I have an exhibition in one of the cafés around here! Photos of that in next post.

There will be a next post, I promise...

I have now written a post totally about what everybody sais you shouldni't do: Me me me without a single word on why this is interesting for anybody else. Hm.

I am going to allow myself to be selfish a while longer ;).

Oh, and one of the wonderful blogs is this one:

36words.typepad.com

I find it a meditation and inspiration basically everyday.

Love!