fragments.

I have this really strong impulse to take selfportraits right now. Portraits of parts of me. Fragments. I have been feeling a bit embarassed about it, as if I ought to be ashamed to want to picture myself. As if these fragments are too banal, too poorly executed. That I am such an amateur and why would anybody want to look at it.

And then I had this conversation with my sister. And she said that she understood the lack of connection I sometimes feel nowadays since I always get interrupted and have to get up and take care of something. She said she thought my existence must feel so fragmented.

And of course that is it.
My need to take pictures of parts of me are of course a way to put my feeling of fragmentisation out into the world. I just had to laugh out loud at how well she nailed it down :).

And allthough the word has negative connotations, taking the pictures make me feel happy and a bit more hole. So I will continue.

This last pictures is of marks baby L has given me. She bites!

I will be going away with the kids for a week to visit my father and his wife and I don't know if I will be able to post in during that week. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to do some textile art that B is fabulous at. If I don't get to talk to you, then take care and have a great week!

All my love to you!

finally.

It took abslutely forever, but now it's done.

Nothing special. Just a little "thingy". I meant to make it available as a PDF, but since I don't know how to do that yet, I decided to post it in the form of a number of images here. I think it's a cartoon.

I read a tiny e-book about finishing projects, riding the wild donkey, just get things done, by Leonie Dawson, and found it highly inspirational. Download it here if you want to. It's free. She completes projects like this one in a couple of hours. It took me a couple of weeks (mister P just a little bit irritated at watercolours, pencils and papers floating about in the apartment for over a month...).

The colours didn't come out great, but here you go!

All my love!

I admit it. I feel lost again.

Totally.

And I wonder why it is that I have to do this: toss everything inside of me up into the air so often I never feel really settled. For a while I felt I was getting there. Slowly, but still getting there. Slowly polishing an illustration, and then another. Slowly brainstorming about ideas and slowly sorting through them to try and feel where I should lay my focus and when. Slowly reading books about creative business to see if I could learn of a way to do this.

Because I don't know.

I really don't know how all those other mothers do it. I don't. I read descriptions of work during naps, during nights and with baby by the feet. And I try. But I can't make it work. Naptime works ok sometimes. If we are not out walking. Which is usually when baby falls asleep. So I try to keep all my art and business things in a bag. Packing and unpacking and sometimes actually managing to bring what I need/want. Nights? What a joke! It is 9.30 now. Both children have been asleep for half an hour and I am nackard. My body almost pulling itself to bed as I write this. Baby by the feet? Yes. Every now and then that also works.

Maybe it is I who hasn't understood that, yes, it did take all those mamas months and months and months before something was finished. Maybe I have missed crucial information like: Oh, yes my youngest is five years now, during the baby and toddler years I just slept when I could.

Or maybe it is me.
I think it is me.
I seem to be more unfocused then others I know. And I am sure my insecurities are hempering me. The fact that when I see all the beautiful things that are done by other artists here on the internet I just want to sit down and cry. Because I feel so sure that I am just kidding myself. Who would ever want to take part in what I do? How can I even think for a moment that someone is actually going to by something I drew? Ha! And where are all those wonderful projects and artpieces I keep telling myself I am going to make? I never finish anything, do I?

And so on and on.
Until I feel so heavy I can barely move my feet. Except I have to.

I know what I need to do. I know I can't worry too much about what other people think. About what I think other people think. I know I cannot wait for somebody else's approval or pat on the back. I have to support myself. Cheer myself along. Inside me sits the child, still waiting for someone to say: of course you can do it! Your art is wonderful! And so are you! I know that I am the one that child is waiting for. I just don't know how to go about it yet.

Sometimes I think I am so used to my insecurities that I'll never really do what it takes to get rid off them. Like those old ugly jumpers you don't want to wear outside the house anymore, you don't really want to wear them at all, but you don't throw them away, you toss them back into the closet because you never know what could happen, or something like that. I do throw away old clothes more than other people though. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to be funny :).

Anyways, days like this I feel so blessed to have this outside my door. I love it. I do. It is so beautiful it makes my heart cry and sing at the same time.

Trees have a spirit. I am sure of it.

Love!
Robin

Robin's Playground. Week three.

I almost didn't make it this week. I kind of didn't. I only have a sketch, almost, to show. I will have to post the finished picture later.

I imagined the lamps with dreams and thoughts pooring out of them and onto the tired woman at the bottom. Will post it when I'm finished... My children were both sick and I have had almost no sleep so I decided to go easy on myself and not stress the project. It's called Playground for a reason :).

Ok. The second week we were inspired by an image or a small piece of an image. This week, we shall do something similar, but with words. Pick a book - from your bookshelf or a friends, or at a library or wherever - randomly open it and write down the first sentence your eyes fall upon. When you have a small chunk of time, like maybe 15 minutes (or more of course), look at it again and write what ever poors into your mind. Continue the sentence like a story, or a poem, or a manifesto :). If you feel called to draw something as a continuation to the sentence - do so! That would be wonderful as well.

I am sorry if this post is a bit on the short side. I really, reeaaalllly need to go to sleep :).

I leave you with the best hairdo ever (just woke up):

Love!

Robin's Playground. Week two.

This week has passed so fast I can hardly believe it is time for me to hand out (and do). I wanted to get the video working for this week, but I am just going to have to accept that I don't have the time for anything else than the absolutely necessary right now. And that does not entail swearing over machines I don't know how to work :). Hopefully I'll figure it out further ahead along the way.

Anyways.... I hope you had fun creating your hands. I saw a lovely example of what one of you have been doing on my facebook page, and it filled my heart with joy. I got plenty of more ideas of what I want to do with the theme, but now it is surely time that I present the next theme:

Elaborate! Maybe that is a good name for it. I'm not sure. What you do is this: cut out a picture or a small piece of a picture. Glue onto a piece of paper (or onto something else if you would rather make the image on something other than paper). Elaborate = use the picture as a part of your own picture. Be inspired by it. What could it be? What happens around it? I don't really know of a way to do this with words, but if you do - feel free to do it =).

I am now going to post a crappy example of what I am talking about. I think these "instruction examples" are all going to be like that. Made in the last minute. Taking no more than a minute. Good for my impro skills! Here it is:

Ok I got carried away. Maybe a little bit more than a minute. More like ten. Just like last week I will post what I do as soon as it is finished. Feel free to post on the facebookpage or on flickr! Thank you so much for being here.

Love!

My hand.

Okey, I've made a version of the assignment/theme now....

I wanted it to look like my hands making the om-sign. Because I need tranquility, and to remind myself that in the larger span of eternity, five minutes of whining really isn't that much to be bothered about :). Started a little bit to far towards the middle, and so one hand is cut off a bit abruptly, but there you are. I like it anyways ;).

Week one of Robin's Playground.

Hoooooraay! Today we start! I am both excited and a little disapointed. Excited, because it is going to be great, and disapointed because I have suffered a humongous video failure this morning. I had recorded a video so I could talk to you, but I can not get the audio and the visual to sync. And there is no way that I can figure out now to only upload the audio. So we shall have to do with my writing instead.

And so here goes. Welcome all you lovely souls to this project!!! Once a week I will post a prompt, or excersise or theme that I will and you are welcome to create during the week. I will post what I have done as soon as I'm finished, and you are all welcome to post photos or texts in the comment section. If you prefere you can post a link to your flickraccount our some other place where we can go see what you do.

My aim for this is to create a playarea - hence Playground name - where we can create things for the mere fun of it. I was inspired by Julia Cameron's Artist dates (if you haven't read Artist's way, and you are an artist, then by all means - read it!). I figured out, why not do something like that, but in a group where we can inspire and learn from eachother?! So here it is: Robin's Playground. I would like for this to be a warm, welcoming and positive area, where there is no right and wrong in creating, no good or bad, no goals to be met or failed at. Just the play and the fun that creating can be. Just the exploration.

You can follow by popping in here whenever you like, or sign up for the newsletter and get the prompts in your mailbox. Whatever is best for you!

And now let's get to it:

This weeks theme is: My Hand.
Why on earth this? Simply because one of the great masters of painting (I think it was Leonardo da Vinci, can not be sure though...) started up every day be drawing his own hand. So I figured it could be a good first excersise. Now, you can do exactly that - draw your hand as it looks. Or you can draw it symbolically - what is your hand to you? Or you can write down what ever pops up in your mind when you think of your hand and then make a poem or a word collage. If you are very pressed for time: here are some really quick tips:

Draw the outline of your hand on a piece of paper:

If you have time you can fill it in with colours, collage it...
Or do it many times:

Dip your hand in paint (feels good!):

Lovely feeling indeed, so do it many times:

I was aiming for tree, but I don't know.... Hehe.
Ok. Let's get to it! Hooray again! Let me know how you are doing.

Oh, I just realized it is not possible to leave a photo in the comments here :(. How about keeping that exchange in the Facebook area? I have a page there too:
http://www.facebook.com/RobinHasADream?ref=tn_tnmn

Or if you have any better suggestions that I, as the very analogue person I am, don't know of , just let me know ;).

Love!

one layer a day.

I haven't quite been able to make one layer a day, and post it here on that day. But I have been continuing - and here are some pictures of the progress:

I hope to see you here tomorrow for the beginning of "Robin's Playground"!

Love!

guestblogging. oh, and an illustration.

Today I am over at www.karinas-inner-space.blogspot.com, writing my first guestpost ever! She is one of my fellow sisters at the goddess circle,. This is a wonderful community where you can meet creative and/or entrepreneurial women from all over the world. Or just simply kind, genereous souls. I love being part of the circle and totally recommend joining. Follow the link on the right (a circle of sisters waiting for you) to check it out. If you find it is something for you and you decide to join via my link, Leonie, the creator of the circle, may send me a generous thank you.

Anyway, I also met Karina, who is also swedish, although she lives in France, for a long cup of coffee the other week, and she is a lovely person and I am so happy she wanted me to write something for her blog.

And now to something completely different....

The first illustration is finished! I think.

a quick tip.

I am sorry that I don't make it here everyday. It is my intention nowadays. Coming here to write a few words is growing into a nice little moment that I have to do something for myself. Gather my thoughts, check in on my creative journey and so. Right now, I have my son wriggling on my lap, asking to watch the alphabet song - oh, now he gave up and ran off with his goggles (made of toiletrolls, painted and waiting to be put together somehow. Glue didn't work, neither did staples, hmmmm...). Oh, here he is back again. "The little spider is going to sit with big spider!"

And so it is. I know there are so many parents out there. Just as I am, they are struggling to have some sort of creative, artistic process going. But how, oh how? Also, I know there are so many people not really having the courage to try drawing or painting or singing out. Because they have been told they are not good enough at it, because it is not useful or whatever... Here is a little tip for all of you, if you want it:

I easily get blocked in different ways, so I have come up with a couple of things to unblock. This is one. If you are a parent, for example - when your children has been painting, and you have like two minutes to clear up before you need to take care of the next activity or disaster (some days, really...). Then just take one of the pieces of paper that is still not painted on and use the excess paint to make whatever during those few seconds you have. Because you don't have time, you can't think, and because you don't have a choice of which colour or how much of it to use, you are forced to just do something. It's very freeing. A lot of the time, I just make different patches of colour that don't look like anything at all, but still it feels nice to move that brush!

Here's one I did the day before yesterday:

inner critic.

We all know it. We have all succumed to its' visious whispers.
What am I talking about?
The Inner Critic. Telling us everything that could possibly be considered negative or bad about ourselves and what we do. Killing ideas before they are even born. Making us hide away masterpieces (or just regular good, nice, interesting things) or even shred them to pieces. Hurting us at our very core.
And you know what is - I don't know which word suits best here - the most ironic, the best, the most surprising, about it? It is that in its' essence, or from the beginning, the Inner Critic is/was designed to support us and keep us safe.
It is true. Totally, I promise. It has only run amock a bit, a heep, way too much. It has oh to much power for its' own good. And for our good. The Inner Critic tells us all our possible weaknesses, because he/she doesn't want us to get hurt. He/she points out things for us to fix. The problem being that most of the things an Inner Critic that has run amock points out to us don't need any fixing at all. They are allready perfect.
So the Inner Critic needs to be shown the limits of what he/she is supposed to do. Easier said than done, I know for sure. But maybe a strategy to stop our Inner Critics stopping us from creating is to simply say something like:
"I know you fear I am going to be hurt or laughed at, and that you actually just want to keep me safe (locked in), but this creating is for fun. It is not dangerous. Maybe people wont like what I do, but that is totally OK. They don't have to. I like the creating. That is enough for me."

What do you think? How do you tackle your Inner Critic? Leave a response in the comments if you feel called to!

I drew my Inner Critic at two points in my life. So far. I am sure I will do it again. It is good to put a face on that b-gger (pardon my language) sometimes, hihi.

Love!

like mother like daughter.

Going crazy over a box of paper and cut out images.
My heart is smiling.

Didn't get to make another layer today. Lost some sleep due to nightmares and eating frenzies and very sudden completely out of nowhere: "MAMA, can you CARRY me!!"'s I was slow today. Slow about everything. Totally okey :).

I did, however, go walking with some other mothers and fell in love with spring time again (don't look at the fence, look at the carpet of flowers, yay!).

Oh, and I love that house. If we get married I want the party there.

Love!

challenge for today

Oh, me and the computer... I cannot believe how scared, nervous and easily frustrated I get. Before I even sit down to start my heart starts to pound and I feel that anger building up that comes from not knowing what you are doing and screwing up. So what complicated task have I been facing?

Creating a signup form for a newsletter. Muchos difficult, no? So easy, and so userfriendly, and yet... I clench my jaws, my fingers fumble, I absolutely have to eat two cinnamon rolls real quickly. I am a fairly smart person, so why is it that every time I have to do something "techy", I turn into a nervous freak? Anybody else recognize this? This is just one of many challenges in this process of trying to make a living as a multiartist. I know I have to overcome it. And today I did this. Now you can sign up for a newsletter. It all has standard templates since I didn't have the nerves to start playing around with the HTML. See if I ever get there... If I do, and manage it, I will open a bottle of champagne. And drink it. With strawberries. Possibly pata negra. Not at once though.

Anyhoooow.... I will start sending out the newsletter hopefully once a week. I don't know exactly what to put in them yet. Something to inspire you, of course updates on project Robin's Playground when that takes off, and who knows what else :). I'm really nervous. And very happy to get to learn these things, and I hope I will get to communicate with you also through the letters!

And now to the rest of the daily tasks: call about a job and create some! (Maybe a post on that later, if not, then tomorrow)

Love!

so what on earth have I been up to?!

I know. I have been away for way too long. And, as always, the longer you put something up, the more difficult it is to get started again. So, here goes:

I am actually so happy to be writing here again. I didn't realize until this very moment that I have actually missed it. I have been busy, you see. Doing what, exactly? Well, a number of things. Procrastinating as usual, of course. But not only that. I have been here:

It is in Scania, the south part of Sweden were my father and his wife live. It looks so grey and dull, I know. It was mist season... A whole week running around outside, working in the garden. Oh, and I drove a tractor! Yay! It was on my list of things I would most like to do thus year, so I payed a visit to the farmer next door and asked if I could try out driving his tractor and he said yes. He looked somewhat worried when he found out I don't have a drivers lisence, but didn't change his mind. It was just as fun as I had hoped.

I have also been doing some agonizing. Since I don't have a job, and I need to start making some moolah before beginning of september. Yes, I believe it is important to start in good time. Agonizing I mean. The jobsearching is a bit slower to start.

And finally, I have worked on a surprise I am launching on april then 26:th. Well, I am probably not going to keep it a secret until then. Since I am now also on Facebook, you can read about it there :). Or in my newsletter that I will start sending out soon. If I can figure out how to do it. No matter how user friendly these tech things may be, I tend to need an eternity to understand how to do it and then do it. Hmmm.

Love!