seven years.

Notebooks filled to the brim. Kept in boxes for a while. By my bed for a while. In the basement and most recently in a bookshelf. Seven years of something I felt I absolutely had to hold on to. Something probalby invaluable.

 

Today I looked to see what there was that was so necessary to keep. Page up and down with draining negative thoughts. List after list of how I ought to improve myself and my life. Boring notes from boring classes at the university. I mean, really. Robin, really.  

And so I lit a candle, paused to gather and center myself. And then I started ripping. I did find a few things I want to keep. Scraps of words. Hastily jotted down ideas of images or songs. Those, I shall keep. The rest - into the fire.

It is so easy to be held back by the past. I sure have been for so long. I know there is a lot I need to let go of in order to be free. And I have refused to do anything about it. Partly because one of the things (paradoxically) I need to let go of is the idea of myself as living my life as an artist. In the sence you can do when you are twenty something. Letting art always come first. Have all the time in the world to explore and evolve. Work late hours at the theatre. Live on lettuce for a month. It is not going to happen. I didn't become the at least rather good actress I know I could have been. I didn't become the singer and songwriter I know lives in my heart somewhere. I didn't go to London to live a wilder life for a couple of years. I didn't travel the world to collect stories. And I am probably not going to do those things either. I need to let go of those dreams, grieve them. They only prevent me from being the person and artist I am now. It is scary to let go of something that you have treasured for so long. And trust that what rises from the ashes can also be great. And more true to what I am today.

What do you have to let go of in order to be true to who you are today?

Love!

inner critic.

We all know it. We have all succumed to its' visious whispers.
What am I talking about?
The Inner Critic. Telling us everything that could possibly be considered negative or bad about ourselves and what we do. Killing ideas before they are even born. Making us hide away masterpieces (or just regular good, nice, interesting things) or even shred them to pieces. Hurting us at our very core.
And you know what is - I don't know which word suits best here - the most ironic, the best, the most surprising, about it? It is that in its' essence, or from the beginning, the Inner Critic is/was designed to support us and keep us safe.
It is true. Totally, I promise. It has only run amock a bit, a heep, way too much. It has oh to much power for its' own good. And for our good. The Inner Critic tells us all our possible weaknesses, because he/she doesn't want us to get hurt. He/she points out things for us to fix. The problem being that most of the things an Inner Critic that has run amock points out to us don't need any fixing at all. They are allready perfect.
So the Inner Critic needs to be shown the limits of what he/she is supposed to do. Easier said than done, I know for sure. But maybe a strategy to stop our Inner Critics stopping us from creating is to simply say something like:
"I know you fear I am going to be hurt or laughed at, and that you actually just want to keep me safe (locked in), but this creating is for fun. It is not dangerous. Maybe people wont like what I do, but that is totally OK. They don't have to. I like the creating. That is enough for me."

What do you think? How do you tackle your Inner Critic? Leave a response in the comments if you feel called to!

I drew my Inner Critic at two points in my life. So far. I am sure I will do it again. It is good to put a face on that b-gger (pardon my language) sometimes, hihi.

Love!

I remind myself 2.

When I was somewhere around twenty years old I went to an exhibition of Miró. I was blasted away.

It changed my way of looking, not only at art, but life itself. First because I was so happy (read stomach full of bubbles popping and bouncing, giggly, biiiig smile on face) that art could look like that, and people would respect it, like it and even put it in a gallery. It was so funfilled, surprising, sometimes "simple" (probably just to the uneducated eye - how simple it is will probably reveal itself quickly once one tries to do something similar oneself. As I discovered. = actually not simple at all, hehe). And then there was this quote. When asked about inspiration, he simply said that he got inspired by everything. That inspiration is everywhere. Everything can be turned into art, if one only knows how to look at it.

I think this is one of the most positive things I have ever heard anyone say. To see the world like that - an immense treasurebox. Everything can be wonderful. Everything is valuable. Our perspective can change any dull thing into a masterpiece. And so when I feel low or the drudge of the everyday threatens to drag med down into feelings of hopelessness and such I try to remember this:

Love!

to expand.

I have been thinking again, about why it is that creating is of such importance to me, and why I so firmly believe that everybody should experience it at least. It seems like you form an idea or an opinion, and if you are very sure of it, it is easy to just keep on believing it without rethinking about it. But people change, and then so should ideas. When ideas turn rigid, so do we, and then we start getting in to conflict with others, ourselves or our lives and situations easier. At least I think that is how it works.

And so I decided to ask myself again: What is it that makes me feel that creating is so important? It used to be because it was something I felt I was good at, and I thought that if I became good at it it would be a way to collect revenge on my bullies. They would have to gasp in awe and of course would come to realize that I was so much more than they had given me credit for. Some days I added to the fantasy that they would come to realize I was som much better than them.

And then it became a way to escape. Escape how I was feeling. Escape what happened in my life by creating an alternate world through music, pictures, stories. It filled me with hope that I would be discovered and carried away to a different life that suited me better and where I was loved and even admired for who I was.

And then it simply became part of my identity. It is important to create because I am the creative one. I have clung on to this quite fiercly. Especially now that I feel I have walked far from the creative path in becoming a psychologist and working a while in research, having two gorgeous timeconsumers in my life :).

And now what? I have felt a shift. I still create for all of the above reasons, but something else is becoming stronger and stronger. And I came to see that it is no longer the result that is important. Or what anybody else thinks of it, not even me. It is about being in a process. But what is so special about this process? Two things, for me. It is pure freedom. In art and creating there are no limits. Not really. Of course you have your material and your skills and your imagination. But if you just dive into the process none of that really matters. You can just go with the flow and experience freedom for a while. Oh bliss!

And also, I have come to start feeling a sence of expansion in a spiritual way. When I create I become one with the material, with my surroundings and the universe as a whole. And this is something I feel is scarce in other parts of the everyday life. And I love it. And I truly wish that everyone could find a way to experience this in their everyday life. Art and creating is good, because there is an endless of ways to do it. Everybody can find their special way! Love!