fragments.

I have this really strong impulse to take selfportraits right now. Portraits of parts of me. Fragments. I have been feeling a bit embarassed about it, as if I ought to be ashamed to want to picture myself. As if these fragments are too banal, too poorly executed. That I am such an amateur and why would anybody want to look at it.

And then I had this conversation with my sister. And she said that she understood the lack of connection I sometimes feel nowadays since I always get interrupted and have to get up and take care of something. She said she thought my existence must feel so fragmented.

And of course that is it.
My need to take pictures of parts of me are of course a way to put my feeling of fragmentisation out into the world. I just had to laugh out loud at how well she nailed it down :).

And allthough the word has negative connotations, taking the pictures make me feel happy and a bit more hole. So I will continue.

This last pictures is of marks baby L has given me. She bites!

I will be going away with the kids for a week to visit my father and his wife and I don't know if I will be able to post in during that week. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to do some textile art that B is fabulous at. If I don't get to talk to you, then take care and have a great week!

All my love to you!

I remind myself.

When things feel really difficult, this, amongst other things, is what I try to remember. Because I truly believe it. I have seen it work wonders with some clients I had when I worked. The sentence is my reaction to this thing that some people would say: there is a meaning to everything. In some situations that just didn't feel right. Like if somebody has lost a child to suicide, or has given up their whole identity to be the woman their man says he wants, or when a father to be suddenly drops dead without explanation. Maybe there is a meaning to be found, especially when one looks back on the life one has lived it may become obvious. But when one is in the middle of things, and they don't need to be so grave as the examples I gave, I feel it is a bit gentler to think that there is a possibility to learn something. It can be a possibility to learn to open up to one's emotions, even the difficult ones. Or a possibility to learn how to help others - many who go through difficulties find the inspiration to support and help others in similar situations. Maybe there is an opportunity to finally learn how to speak one's own proper truth.

I try to see what I am supposed to learn from where I am now. Probably patience and persistance. Maybe I need to learn where my limits really are - maybe I need an experience of really pushing myself harder to see that. Maybe I need to learn how to care for myself even when I don't see how I will have the time or energy to. Whatever it is, I am absolutly sure that it will be clear to me in a matter of time, and I will think, ah.... that was this was all about for me ;).

What lessons do you face right now?

I really need to go to the hairdresser. That is what I learn from whatching this photo :).

Oh, and when I write something about my job, I never write about actual cases, ever. I really really really find the vow of secrecy absolutely essential and beautiful and would never brake it.

Love!

selfportraits.

I was feeling really low.

Like a saying in hungarian: under the frogs ass. Because how much lower could you possibly get?

Anyways I had that annoying critic babbling away in my mind: nothing you do is valuable, you are a fake and a fraud, nobody cares about you or what you do on and on.

So what?!

So what if nobody cares? I care.

So what if what I do has no value for anybody else? It is important to me.

And if I'm a fake and a fraud, than ok, that's what I am then. I'll be a good one :).


And I felt an urge to just capture myself as me, the one I am in this (and this and this and this...) instant. No more no less. Confused, happy, fragmented, sad, philosophing, empty, full of love.

We are all so much.

There is no such thing as a fixed I. We are all made up of millions of fragments, shimmering and dancing, like the sun's reflections on moving water.

Everything changes. All the time. And that is frightening and wonderful at the same time.

And so that was me yesterday.

Who are you right now? How would you picture yourself? How would you like to see yourself?

Love!