overwhelmed. exited. tired.

Hi.

This blog is just barely living now... I am neglicting it severely. I think it is another sign of how I ruin things for myself. Let things I really care for just wither away. Not actively ditching it. Just "forgetting" until nothing remains.

My dream is not dead, however. It is slowly slowly manifesting.
I have an exhibition running in a café now, and have had at least some positive comments on what I have created :). I have also invited a friend and artist over for a workshop where we are going to create a lot, and plan for how our art can get out into the world. If she wants to come. Which of course she does.

I am working on a project for the blog too. I have seen a lot of other bloggers running 30 days - projects of different kinds on their blogs and am working on an artproject/glimpse into my everyday life that will run for 30 days. I think it will be fun.

I have started working now, maybe six weeks ago, after having been on maternal leave for over a year. And it is hard! I travel to another city three days a week and don't come home until late. My son calls me on the phone when I'm on my way home sometimes because he misses me so much he can't wait and it breaks my heart to here his voice, sometimes shattered from crying. I have to keep going for my dream. I don't want to be away from my children so much.

The job is challenging. I learn SO much, but at the same time I am totally depleted. Maybe when I get used to it it will be easier?

Love!

just a few images.

This afternoon we got back to Stockholm, the kids and I. After a looooong drive of six hours. We had a really nice stay with my father and his wife and I have so many sweet images I would like to share with you. I am übertired, so I will give you only a glimpse now, and you'll see more later.

Missy L. picking her first black currants (notice standing posture, she is walking!)

Young Master S. throwing pebbles and stones in the brook and contemplating the Ocean.

I love them so much.

I wish you many happy or wonderful or explorative or loving or soothing or developing (to learn) days around your loved ones. Or all of the above adjectives!

Love!

a lovely day.

I haven't written for a few days. I don't know why, but suddenly I lost the desire to. I guess such things happen every now and then. I have been struggling a bit with how I am supposed to write here, what about, how personal should I be etcetera. When I really should just be writing. So, here I am again.

I have spent a beautiful day with my children. We were (as most morning) arguing, yelling, crying and whining   off and on - something that drives me a bit crazy and a lot sad. Many mornings have ended with me thinking I must be the worst mother in the world. But not today. I guess I finally have it. Experience as a mother of two. I kept my cool and happy mood in between the yelling portioning out love and kisses and play to balance the arguing and yelling and got us outside as quickly as I could. Because that is when everything turns. I take a deep breath of outside air. My daughter starts smiling and pointing at things she sees, instantly. And my son relaxes - says something like "it is a wonderful day" or "it is glorious outside". Or he just takes of  running, hands in the air, talking or shouting about some idol of his (Lightening McQueen and Tow Mater at the moment). Today we went to a big park twenty minutes walk from where we live to have pancakes. And we had the most lovely moment together. Liv was laughing going "mmmmm!" - first time to eat pancakes. And Sam was chatting along. Afterwards we just lay down in the grass and looked up at the leaves and branches of a tree. Bliss!

Days and moments like this I really feel how happy I am to be a mother. I just love them so much. I always do. Even in the midst of the worst whining going on for hours on end, but that love is mixed up with anger and resentment and guilt. Moments like today is just love, laughter in my heart and bubbling joy joy joy. Just one of those moments makes all the sleepless nights and fights and tears worthwhile.

All my love to you and your loved ones!

My magical wand.

I cannot believe it has been another week!
Again!

I had supermany ideas about all the magic I wanted to create this week, but oh no. I sit now on wednesday evening, and I have just spent five minutes creating my magical wand. It doesn't feel bad though. I picked the stick several weeks ago because I just liked it. And it has been sitting on the desk where I am supposed to work since. I don't do any work there. I just put things there, and then when I feel like working or creating I spread the stuff out all over the appartment. And then when I'm done I curse the hardship of womenhood because we always have to tidy up so much :).

There has been a tiny bit of magic this week though. I have been stressing more and more about my situation, as you know. But yesterday when I sat translating a "thing" I am working on I came across a question I used a lot in my work with people suffering from stressrelated diseases or existential/lifesituatoin dilemmas/problems:

What is my life task right now?


It was asked by a psychologist called Erik E. Eriksson in his book about human development through the different ages of a lifetime. His perspective was that in every stage of life there is a certain task in focus. And this task is something most of what we do circulates around. For example when we are teenagers our task is to search for an identity - so we do a lot of experimenting with clothes, taste in music, political opinions, how we relate to the other sex and so on. I used the question to make people think of what the main thing they need to do right now is about. And I figured, ok, I'll ask myself.

And the answer burst out imediatly: To be a mother to my children. That is pretty obvious to everyone I suppose, but to me it felt like a welcome revelation. This is what I need to do. Be a mother. Everything else is secondary. Of course I need to find an income, but that is secondary to mothering. And it was like a big sigh went through my body and released a loooooot of tension.

And you know what? Suddenly I found energy, and joy, and patience, and a desire to create and ideas to turn into creations. MAGIC!

Very simple and maybe banal, but that's allright by me :). The words are: Joy, love, From now on my life shall be magical. Mama Nature will mother me so I can bring magic to my kids.

What magic happend this week in your life?

Robin's Playground. Week three.

I almost didn't make it this week. I kind of didn't. I only have a sketch, almost, to show. I will have to post the finished picture later.

I imagined the lamps with dreams and thoughts pooring out of them and onto the tired woman at the bottom. Will post it when I'm finished... My children were both sick and I have had almost no sleep so I decided to go easy on myself and not stress the project. It's called Playground for a reason :).

Ok. The second week we were inspired by an image or a small piece of an image. This week, we shall do something similar, but with words. Pick a book - from your bookshelf or a friends, or at a library or wherever - randomly open it and write down the first sentence your eyes fall upon. When you have a small chunk of time, like maybe 15 minutes (or more of course), look at it again and write what ever poors into your mind. Continue the sentence like a story, or a poem, or a manifesto :). If you feel called to draw something as a continuation to the sentence - do so! That would be wonderful as well.

I am sorry if this post is a bit on the short side. I really, reeaaalllly need to go to sleep :).

I leave you with the best hairdo ever (just woke up):

Love!

mornings.

I think we've got a nice little morning routine going. If I can just keep the stress at bay that is. We get up, not too early, not too late. I make myself some coffee and then we play, put the clothes on and have breakfast. Not  in order, not very orderly. Quite messy and often with some sort of powerstruggle, but still nice and easy. Cosy. Every now and then I have a meltdown while trying to put outdoor clothes on two struggling ones. But I'm working on that part.

As soon as we get outside it's all sunshine. No matter what the weather. I so much love the outdoors. And I am so happy to see that so do my children. And now that spring truly is here it's all the more lovely. Even though we live in a city, I do feel that I can get in touch with nature. After I have left S at daycare, I venture in the parks with L. (Even small parks can be adventures for small children. So much to touch and look at and smell and eat! :)).

Love!

a quick tip.

I am sorry that I don't make it here everyday. It is my intention nowadays. Coming here to write a few words is growing into a nice little moment that I have to do something for myself. Gather my thoughts, check in on my creative journey and so. Right now, I have my son wriggling on my lap, asking to watch the alphabet song - oh, now he gave up and ran off with his goggles (made of toiletrolls, painted and waiting to be put together somehow. Glue didn't work, neither did staples, hmmmm...). Oh, here he is back again. "The little spider is going to sit with big spider!"

And so it is. I know there are so many parents out there. Just as I am, they are struggling to have some sort of creative, artistic process going. But how, oh how? Also, I know there are so many people not really having the courage to try drawing or painting or singing out. Because they have been told they are not good enough at it, because it is not useful or whatever... Here is a little tip for all of you, if you want it:

I easily get blocked in different ways, so I have come up with a couple of things to unblock. This is one. If you are a parent, for example - when your children has been painting, and you have like two minutes to clear up before you need to take care of the next activity or disaster (some days, really...). Then just take one of the pieces of paper that is still not painted on and use the excess paint to make whatever during those few seconds you have. Because you don't have time, you can't think, and because you don't have a choice of which colour or how much of it to use, you are forced to just do something. It's very freeing. A lot of the time, I just make different patches of colour that don't look like anything at all, but still it feels nice to move that brush!

Here's one I did the day before yesterday:

more winter walks.

I haven't been here for a number of days now. It is "decease season" in Stockholm now. The children get colds and snivels and fevers and flues in turn. I get some, but not all. So does P. I always fear the kids being home sick in advance. And then when they are, I end up thinking it is also really cosy. Sure, they are a bit whiny and don't want to drink, and don't want to eat. But they also want to snuggle up on the couch, want lots of hugs and kisses, to be read to. And we still take our winter walks. Lots of warm blankets and shawls in the pram to tuck them into when needed.

time on my hands to brainstorm.

Sick children. This whole winter so far I have been worried that the children get sick, because I figured instead of having just a very little time to create I would suddenly have none. Plus of course I would get immensly grumpy from lack of sleep. Today both my children are sick.
And guess what:

Hahaha. You just never know, do you!
So lovely, lovely, lovely. Putting ideas on paper. In every colour. I am so happy and relaxed.
If I have to stay up all night? It's gonna be aaaallll gooooood :).

Love!

siblings.

It was of course part of the plan all along. First get one kid. Then one more. And then they would love eachother and be there for eachother for the rest of their lives. I just figured we had to get through a couple of years of jealousy, fighting and competing first. And maybe all those things will come.

But when L came in to our lives I was surprised. I remember trying to exchange my baby sister for the neighbours kitten (almost got away with it), but S instantly loved her. Always wants to kiss her goodnight. Can't wait to wake her up in the morning. He threw a couple of jealousy fits, but not more than a couple. And he takes the things she plays with away from her claiming them as "MINE!". But you know, he is two. And the next second he wants to lay down next to her and try and make her laugh. Or sit in front of me so that we can hold her together and he gently strokes her stomach. I am sure the tears and fighting will also come. But right now I am so utterly happy to watch them exchange glances of michief to come!

I know my own sister and I had our share of fighting, but she is also one of the most important people (together with, P, S and L) and has taught me so much about relationships, myself and life. Purely by being who she is and being in my life. She has taught me responsibility, love without  demands, swallowing my pride, humility, how to laugh until you think your body is going to break. Amongst other things. There were days when I cried over something she said, I know I have made her cry sometimes. There were days of jealousy when I thought she did everything better than me and everybody loved her more. But I wouldn't change anything at all. Not one thing. She is the best sister I could ever have gotten.

And I so wish my children will grow up to feel the same.

How about you? Do you have a sibling? What has he or she or them meant for you?

Love!

nightpacing.

I've been doing some nightpacing. With this second child there hasn't been much of it so far. With the first one we went out side every night with him tucked in a huge duvet walking for sometimes an hour or more while he struggled with sleep or the lack of it. Now he sleeps in his own bed accompanied by Teddy - only calls out for me when he has had nightmares. She has always been able to sleep rather well. But a couple of nights she or he has awakend and required some carrying and humming and stroking on the back.

And as the feet starts to pace the black floors of our appartment, so my thoughts start to travel darker grounds in my mind. "There is no way you can do it." "You have no money, just give up!" "Your art is ridiculous, as are you." Slowly numbing me and filling my legs and stomach with concrete. Heavy heavy heavy. For one day I just gave in to it. Did nothing. Hid in the closet for a little while. Looked at all my art supplies in there. Found a binder with old pictures and ideas for projects. Felt a tiiiiiiiny bit better. Had an apple. Went outside and blew soap bubbles from the balcony with my son. The delight and excitement of being up and outside late in the evening filling his voice with laughter. Slowly warming me up from inside. And now I think this:
"Everything is possible." "The darkness is not emptiness, it is a place to rest from all the input that bombards us all day and instead fall into peace and then new ideas." "Under my feet, pacing the darkness, are the hands of all my ancestors carrying me." And I feel good. I feel I am enough. I am scared, but also so happy and grateful for all that I can call mine.

this moment.

This day I have been given.
This moment.
This precious moment a gift.
From the Universe, God or Goddess if you will.
A gift, if you will savour it.
Immerse yourself in it.
Learn from it.
This very moment.
For me.
This moment my baby girl nursing.
Her eyes gazing at a distant land.
Her hands tugging at my clothes, grasping for my body.
Sharp nails leaving red marks.
Paths for my heart to travel.