a long talk much needed.

The other day, no yesterday, time is floating but it was yesterday. So, yesterday I went to rehearsal with Kajsa. We wanted to start of by having a cup of coffee in the sunshine and talk through maybe our schedule, the order of things, maybe read the texts through.

But instead we started talking. About all these things that have been stressing me out lately. How do you create a life that functions and still evolve into the artist you want to be? How do you balance the creative life and everyday life? What does being an artist mean to me, now? How to balance one's needs and the needs of the children and the household and looking for a job?

I wanted to recapture some of what we said, but notice now that it is difficult. And maybe the words weren't the essence. Maybe the essence was this:

Laying on a bench, listening to baby L moving about in the grass chewing on cones, gazing up into the moving leaves of a tree, being warmed by the sun shining through the foliage.

One thing that I bring with me in my heart, that she said is this:

I have felt shame for my need to be seen and to show my "art". Sometimes I feel like I'm still five years old, running to mummy, holding out what I made, desperate for acknowledgement - yes, my love, you are an artist. That five-yearold is still looking for recognition, so I hold out my drawings and writings to my friends, to you. Look! Look! And I have felt that maybe it is a bit pathetic. (Well, that was me talking, here comes:)

But Kajsa just said "Of course you want people to see! Who are we if we are not seen? Everybody needs the mirror of others. Especially when we are trying to evolve creatively. That is not something that can be done in complete isolation. At least not by most. To have other people see what we do and acknowledge it is essential."

So, I am so grateful for those words. And will continue to show up here to meet you. Because I need to be seen. And because I want to show you, if you feel like I do, that you are not alone. And maybe some day I will have the honor to be the one to also mirror you. It has happened once during the Playground Project and it totally lit my day up :).

To be mirrored properly, we also have to have the courage to be truthful and show ourselves as we are. No more, no less. The good and the bad. Our brightest glimmering sunsides, and our darkest muskiest shadows.  And we have to have the courage to welcome and see all those aspects in the people we hold dear. Easier said than done, I know. But isn't it necessary if we want to make this world a better place? If we want to be great parents? Friends? I will try to be as courageous as I can!

All my love!

I admit it. I feel lost again.

Totally.

And I wonder why it is that I have to do this: toss everything inside of me up into the air so often I never feel really settled. For a while I felt I was getting there. Slowly, but still getting there. Slowly polishing an illustration, and then another. Slowly brainstorming about ideas and slowly sorting through them to try and feel where I should lay my focus and when. Slowly reading books about creative business to see if I could learn of a way to do this.

Because I don't know.

I really don't know how all those other mothers do it. I don't. I read descriptions of work during naps, during nights and with baby by the feet. And I try. But I can't make it work. Naptime works ok sometimes. If we are not out walking. Which is usually when baby falls asleep. So I try to keep all my art and business things in a bag. Packing and unpacking and sometimes actually managing to bring what I need/want. Nights? What a joke! It is 9.30 now. Both children have been asleep for half an hour and I am nackard. My body almost pulling itself to bed as I write this. Baby by the feet? Yes. Every now and then that also works.

Maybe it is I who hasn't understood that, yes, it did take all those mamas months and months and months before something was finished. Maybe I have missed crucial information like: Oh, yes my youngest is five years now, during the baby and toddler years I just slept when I could.

Or maybe it is me.
I think it is me.
I seem to be more unfocused then others I know. And I am sure my insecurities are hempering me. The fact that when I see all the beautiful things that are done by other artists here on the internet I just want to sit down and cry. Because I feel so sure that I am just kidding myself. Who would ever want to take part in what I do? How can I even think for a moment that someone is actually going to by something I drew? Ha! And where are all those wonderful projects and artpieces I keep telling myself I am going to make? I never finish anything, do I?

And so on and on.
Until I feel so heavy I can barely move my feet. Except I have to.

I know what I need to do. I know I can't worry too much about what other people think. About what I think other people think. I know I cannot wait for somebody else's approval or pat on the back. I have to support myself. Cheer myself along. Inside me sits the child, still waiting for someone to say: of course you can do it! Your art is wonderful! And so are you! I know that I am the one that child is waiting for. I just don't know how to go about it yet.

Sometimes I think I am so used to my insecurities that I'll never really do what it takes to get rid off them. Like those old ugly jumpers you don't want to wear outside the house anymore, you don't really want to wear them at all, but you don't throw them away, you toss them back into the closet because you never know what could happen, or something like that. I do throw away old clothes more than other people though. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to be funny :).

Anyways, days like this I feel so blessed to have this outside my door. I love it. I do. It is so beautiful it makes my heart cry and sing at the same time.

Trees have a spirit. I am sure of it.

Love!
Robin

seven years.

Notebooks filled to the brim. Kept in boxes for a while. By my bed for a while. In the basement and most recently in a bookshelf. Seven years of something I felt I absolutely had to hold on to. Something probalby invaluable.

 

Today I looked to see what there was that was so necessary to keep. Page up and down with draining negative thoughts. List after list of how I ought to improve myself and my life. Boring notes from boring classes at the university. I mean, really. Robin, really.  

And so I lit a candle, paused to gather and center myself. And then I started ripping. I did find a few things I want to keep. Scraps of words. Hastily jotted down ideas of images or songs. Those, I shall keep. The rest - into the fire.

It is so easy to be held back by the past. I sure have been for so long. I know there is a lot I need to let go of in order to be free. And I have refused to do anything about it. Partly because one of the things (paradoxically) I need to let go of is the idea of myself as living my life as an artist. In the sence you can do when you are twenty something. Letting art always come first. Have all the time in the world to explore and evolve. Work late hours at the theatre. Live on lettuce for a month. It is not going to happen. I didn't become the at least rather good actress I know I could have been. I didn't become the singer and songwriter I know lives in my heart somewhere. I didn't go to London to live a wilder life for a couple of years. I didn't travel the world to collect stories. And I am probably not going to do those things either. I need to let go of those dreams, grieve them. They only prevent me from being the person and artist I am now. It is scary to let go of something that you have treasured for so long. And trust that what rises from the ashes can also be great. And more true to what I am today.

What do you have to let go of in order to be true to who you are today?

Love!

challenge for today

Oh, me and the computer... I cannot believe how scared, nervous and easily frustrated I get. Before I even sit down to start my heart starts to pound and I feel that anger building up that comes from not knowing what you are doing and screwing up. So what complicated task have I been facing?

Creating a signup form for a newsletter. Muchos difficult, no? So easy, and so userfriendly, and yet... I clench my jaws, my fingers fumble, I absolutely have to eat two cinnamon rolls real quickly. I am a fairly smart person, so why is it that every time I have to do something "techy", I turn into a nervous freak? Anybody else recognize this? This is just one of many challenges in this process of trying to make a living as a multiartist. I know I have to overcome it. And today I did this. Now you can sign up for a newsletter. It all has standard templates since I didn't have the nerves to start playing around with the HTML. See if I ever get there... If I do, and manage it, I will open a bottle of champagne. And drink it. With strawberries. Possibly pata negra. Not at once though.

Anyhoooow.... I will start sending out the newsletter hopefully once a week. I don't know exactly what to put in them yet. Something to inspire you, of course updates on project Robin's Playground when that takes off, and who knows what else :). I'm really nervous. And very happy to get to learn these things, and I hope I will get to communicate with you also through the letters!

And now to the rest of the daily tasks: call about a job and create some! (Maybe a post on that later, if not, then tomorrow)

Love!

fears.

This time is different.

Like I said, I have decided to take myself and my dreams more seriously before. And it has not changed a single thing. Not much anyway. But this time... Something is different. I made the same promise, but this time something really shifted within me. It's not big. No thunder and lightening, no complete makeovers "I'm gonna cut my hair and get a completely new wardrobe to show I'm different now" kind of thing. Just a tiny shift.

And it has set my inner world in turmoil. All my fears are awakened. Screaming at me:

Give up!

Fail at once!

Don't do it!

Everybody is going to laugh at you!

You have nothing to offer to the world!

I know that these fears are not unique to me. Bookshelf after bookshelf has been filled to the brim with wise words (and unwise) about how to overcome these fears. They are why so many of us never create anything at all, not even in the safety of our own homes. I still get sick with nervosity when I show something to P and he is the person who loves me the most in this world and chooses to live with me and have children with me...

I hope to find a way to inspire people to pick up these wonderful things that singing, painting, writing, knitting etcetera etcetera can be - just for fun. It's a way for us grownups to play, to be free, to experience spirit, to express ourselves! So I can't budge now, can I?

Retorical question. Of course I can't. And I wont. Slowly, slowly. A tiny bit everyday - when I have a shred of time - I work on the designs for the first artwork/inspiration tool I want disperse into the world.

I am so happy to know you are reading! All my love to you!