I remind myself.

When things feel really difficult, this, amongst other things, is what I try to remember. Because I truly believe it. I have seen it work wonders with some clients I had when I worked. The sentence is my reaction to this thing that some people would say: there is a meaning to everything. In some situations that just didn't feel right. Like if somebody has lost a child to suicide, or has given up their whole identity to be the woman their man says he wants, or when a father to be suddenly drops dead without explanation. Maybe there is a meaning to be found, especially when one looks back on the life one has lived it may become obvious. But when one is in the middle of things, and they don't need to be so grave as the examples I gave, I feel it is a bit gentler to think that there is a possibility to learn something. It can be a possibility to learn to open up to one's emotions, even the difficult ones. Or a possibility to learn how to help others - many who go through difficulties find the inspiration to support and help others in similar situations. Maybe there is an opportunity to finally learn how to speak one's own proper truth.

I try to see what I am supposed to learn from where I am now. Probably patience and persistance. Maybe I need to learn where my limits really are - maybe I need an experience of really pushing myself harder to see that. Maybe I need to learn how to care for myself even when I don't see how I will have the time or energy to. Whatever it is, I am absolutly sure that it will be clear to me in a matter of time, and I will think, ah.... that was this was all about for me ;).

What lessons do you face right now?

I really need to go to the hairdresser. That is what I learn from whatching this photo :).

Oh, and when I write something about my job, I never write about actual cases, ever. I really really really find the vow of secrecy absolutely essential and beautiful and would never brake it.

Love!

a long talk much needed.

The other day, no yesterday, time is floating but it was yesterday. So, yesterday I went to rehearsal with Kajsa. We wanted to start of by having a cup of coffee in the sunshine and talk through maybe our schedule, the order of things, maybe read the texts through.

But instead we started talking. About all these things that have been stressing me out lately. How do you create a life that functions and still evolve into the artist you want to be? How do you balance the creative life and everyday life? What does being an artist mean to me, now? How to balance one's needs and the needs of the children and the household and looking for a job?

I wanted to recapture some of what we said, but notice now that it is difficult. And maybe the words weren't the essence. Maybe the essence was this:

Laying on a bench, listening to baby L moving about in the grass chewing on cones, gazing up into the moving leaves of a tree, being warmed by the sun shining through the foliage.

One thing that I bring with me in my heart, that she said is this:

I have felt shame for my need to be seen and to show my "art". Sometimes I feel like I'm still five years old, running to mummy, holding out what I made, desperate for acknowledgement - yes, my love, you are an artist. That five-yearold is still looking for recognition, so I hold out my drawings and writings to my friends, to you. Look! Look! And I have felt that maybe it is a bit pathetic. (Well, that was me talking, here comes:)

But Kajsa just said "Of course you want people to see! Who are we if we are not seen? Everybody needs the mirror of others. Especially when we are trying to evolve creatively. That is not something that can be done in complete isolation. At least not by most. To have other people see what we do and acknowledge it is essential."

So, I am so grateful for those words. And will continue to show up here to meet you. Because I need to be seen. And because I want to show you, if you feel like I do, that you are not alone. And maybe some day I will have the honor to be the one to also mirror you. It has happened once during the Playground Project and it totally lit my day up :).

To be mirrored properly, we also have to have the courage to be truthful and show ourselves as we are. No more, no less. The good and the bad. Our brightest glimmering sunsides, and our darkest muskiest shadows.  And we have to have the courage to welcome and see all those aspects in the people we hold dear. Easier said than done, I know. But isn't it necessary if we want to make this world a better place? If we want to be great parents? Friends? I will try to be as courageous as I can!

All my love!

selfportraits.

I was feeling really low.

Like a saying in hungarian: under the frogs ass. Because how much lower could you possibly get?

Anyways I had that annoying critic babbling away in my mind: nothing you do is valuable, you are a fake and a fraud, nobody cares about you or what you do on and on.

So what?!

So what if nobody cares? I care.

So what if what I do has no value for anybody else? It is important to me.

And if I'm a fake and a fraud, than ok, that's what I am then. I'll be a good one :).


And I felt an urge to just capture myself as me, the one I am in this (and this and this and this...) instant. No more no less. Confused, happy, fragmented, sad, philosophing, empty, full of love.

We are all so much.

There is no such thing as a fixed I. We are all made up of millions of fragments, shimmering and dancing, like the sun's reflections on moving water.

Everything changes. All the time. And that is frightening and wonderful at the same time.

And so that was me yesterday.

Who are you right now? How would you picture yourself? How would you like to see yourself?

Love!

I admit it. I feel lost again.

Totally.

And I wonder why it is that I have to do this: toss everything inside of me up into the air so often I never feel really settled. For a while I felt I was getting there. Slowly, but still getting there. Slowly polishing an illustration, and then another. Slowly brainstorming about ideas and slowly sorting through them to try and feel where I should lay my focus and when. Slowly reading books about creative business to see if I could learn of a way to do this.

Because I don't know.

I really don't know how all those other mothers do it. I don't. I read descriptions of work during naps, during nights and with baby by the feet. And I try. But I can't make it work. Naptime works ok sometimes. If we are not out walking. Which is usually when baby falls asleep. So I try to keep all my art and business things in a bag. Packing and unpacking and sometimes actually managing to bring what I need/want. Nights? What a joke! It is 9.30 now. Both children have been asleep for half an hour and I am nackard. My body almost pulling itself to bed as I write this. Baby by the feet? Yes. Every now and then that also works.

Maybe it is I who hasn't understood that, yes, it did take all those mamas months and months and months before something was finished. Maybe I have missed crucial information like: Oh, yes my youngest is five years now, during the baby and toddler years I just slept when I could.

Or maybe it is me.
I think it is me.
I seem to be more unfocused then others I know. And I am sure my insecurities are hempering me. The fact that when I see all the beautiful things that are done by other artists here on the internet I just want to sit down and cry. Because I feel so sure that I am just kidding myself. Who would ever want to take part in what I do? How can I even think for a moment that someone is actually going to by something I drew? Ha! And where are all those wonderful projects and artpieces I keep telling myself I am going to make? I never finish anything, do I?

And so on and on.
Until I feel so heavy I can barely move my feet. Except I have to.

I know what I need to do. I know I can't worry too much about what other people think. About what I think other people think. I know I cannot wait for somebody else's approval or pat on the back. I have to support myself. Cheer myself along. Inside me sits the child, still waiting for someone to say: of course you can do it! Your art is wonderful! And so are you! I know that I am the one that child is waiting for. I just don't know how to go about it yet.

Sometimes I think I am so used to my insecurities that I'll never really do what it takes to get rid off them. Like those old ugly jumpers you don't want to wear outside the house anymore, you don't really want to wear them at all, but you don't throw them away, you toss them back into the closet because you never know what could happen, or something like that. I do throw away old clothes more than other people though. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to be funny :).

Anyways, days like this I feel so blessed to have this outside my door. I love it. I do. It is so beautiful it makes my heart cry and sing at the same time.

Trees have a spirit. I am sure of it.

Love!
Robin

inner critic.

We all know it. We have all succumed to its' visious whispers.
What am I talking about?
The Inner Critic. Telling us everything that could possibly be considered negative or bad about ourselves and what we do. Killing ideas before they are even born. Making us hide away masterpieces (or just regular good, nice, interesting things) or even shred them to pieces. Hurting us at our very core.
And you know what is - I don't know which word suits best here - the most ironic, the best, the most surprising, about it? It is that in its' essence, or from the beginning, the Inner Critic is/was designed to support us and keep us safe.
It is true. Totally, I promise. It has only run amock a bit, a heep, way too much. It has oh to much power for its' own good. And for our good. The Inner Critic tells us all our possible weaknesses, because he/she doesn't want us to get hurt. He/she points out things for us to fix. The problem being that most of the things an Inner Critic that has run amock points out to us don't need any fixing at all. They are allready perfect.
So the Inner Critic needs to be shown the limits of what he/she is supposed to do. Easier said than done, I know for sure. But maybe a strategy to stop our Inner Critics stopping us from creating is to simply say something like:
"I know you fear I am going to be hurt or laughed at, and that you actually just want to keep me safe (locked in), but this creating is for fun. It is not dangerous. Maybe people wont like what I do, but that is totally OK. They don't have to. I like the creating. That is enough for me."

What do you think? How do you tackle your Inner Critic? Leave a response in the comments if you feel called to!

I drew my Inner Critic at two points in my life. So far. I am sure I will do it again. It is good to put a face on that b-gger (pardon my language) sometimes, hihi.

Love!

nightpacing.

I've been doing some nightpacing. With this second child there hasn't been much of it so far. With the first one we went out side every night with him tucked in a huge duvet walking for sometimes an hour or more while he struggled with sleep or the lack of it. Now he sleeps in his own bed accompanied by Teddy - only calls out for me when he has had nightmares. She has always been able to sleep rather well. But a couple of nights she or he has awakend and required some carrying and humming and stroking on the back.

And as the feet starts to pace the black floors of our appartment, so my thoughts start to travel darker grounds in my mind. "There is no way you can do it." "You have no money, just give up!" "Your art is ridiculous, as are you." Slowly numbing me and filling my legs and stomach with concrete. Heavy heavy heavy. For one day I just gave in to it. Did nothing. Hid in the closet for a little while. Looked at all my art supplies in there. Found a binder with old pictures and ideas for projects. Felt a tiiiiiiiny bit better. Had an apple. Went outside and blew soap bubbles from the balcony with my son. The delight and excitement of being up and outside late in the evening filling his voice with laughter. Slowly warming me up from inside. And now I think this:
"Everything is possible." "The darkness is not emptiness, it is a place to rest from all the input that bombards us all day and instead fall into peace and then new ideas." "Under my feet, pacing the darkness, are the hands of all my ancestors carrying me." And I feel good. I feel I am enough. I am scared, but also so happy and grateful for all that I can call mine.