future.

So, as you know my situation is this:

I don't have a job.
No matter how much I choose to believe in myself, my business is most likely not going to be running smoothly tomorrow.
Come september, I must have an income.

I have been depressed about this. I have been stressed. I have been angry and suffered from anxiety.

Tonight while putting my son to bed (it took a while, so I had some time on my hands with nothing to do but cuddle and caress hair) I played a little game: If I got to make up own job what would it be:

A couple of examples of what I came up with:

Curious Explorer of Things Known and Unknown.
Traveler in and Expander of The World of Arts and Creativity.
Liberator of Women's Bodies.
Weaver of Stories that Set Hearts Free.
Creator of Magical Chambers of Vision and Sound.

Easy peasy japanese!

What would your job(s) be if you could make it up yourself?

Here I would like to have an image of myself as allready in one of these profession. I lacked prompts and disguise, unfortunately.

Love!

seven years.

Notebooks filled to the brim. Kept in boxes for a while. By my bed for a while. In the basement and most recently in a bookshelf. Seven years of something I felt I absolutely had to hold on to. Something probalby invaluable.

 

Today I looked to see what there was that was so necessary to keep. Page up and down with draining negative thoughts. List after list of how I ought to improve myself and my life. Boring notes from boring classes at the university. I mean, really. Robin, really.  

And so I lit a candle, paused to gather and center myself. And then I started ripping. I did find a few things I want to keep. Scraps of words. Hastily jotted down ideas of images or songs. Those, I shall keep. The rest - into the fire.

It is so easy to be held back by the past. I sure have been for so long. I know there is a lot I need to let go of in order to be free. And I have refused to do anything about it. Partly because one of the things (paradoxically) I need to let go of is the idea of myself as living my life as an artist. In the sence you can do when you are twenty something. Letting art always come first. Have all the time in the world to explore and evolve. Work late hours at the theatre. Live on lettuce for a month. It is not going to happen. I didn't become the at least rather good actress I know I could have been. I didn't become the singer and songwriter I know lives in my heart somewhere. I didn't go to London to live a wilder life for a couple of years. I didn't travel the world to collect stories. And I am probably not going to do those things either. I need to let go of those dreams, grieve them. They only prevent me from being the person and artist I am now. It is scary to let go of something that you have treasured for so long. And trust that what rises from the ashes can also be great. And more true to what I am today.

What do you have to let go of in order to be true to who you are today?

Love!

the dreams that have come true.

They seem so slow in coming true, my dreams. I have so many ideas, some of which totally set me on fire. But it is slow, oh indeed. To the point I am thinking: maybe this is illusion. Maybe I am just running around thinking about getting somewhere, but actually remaining at the exact same point.
Not true of course.
I just need to remember those dreams that I actually allready have made come true (random order):


I went to an actingschool.

I've been in two professional plays.

I went to India, hurrah!

I jumped out of a plane and did a skydive, woooooo!

I gave birth to two beautiful, healthy babies.

I met my dream man.

I participated in an amateur play after years of longing for acting.

I travelled with my sister (to Israel).

Me and my friend the operasinger had a concert in a church in the old city (Stabat Mater of Pergolesi).

Started my own business.

I went on a sunny, funny holiday with my love. In Thailand. And there I met elephants :).

So, dreams do come true. And they are not the last ones I am sure!

What are your dreams? What dreams have come true for you?

Love!