I remind myself.

When things feel really difficult, this, amongst other things, is what I try to remember. Because I truly believe it. I have seen it work wonders with some clients I had when I worked. The sentence is my reaction to this thing that some people would say: there is a meaning to everything. In some situations that just didn't feel right. Like if somebody has lost a child to suicide, or has given up their whole identity to be the woman their man says he wants, or when a father to be suddenly drops dead without explanation. Maybe there is a meaning to be found, especially when one looks back on the life one has lived it may become obvious. But when one is in the middle of things, and they don't need to be so grave as the examples I gave, I feel it is a bit gentler to think that there is a possibility to learn something. It can be a possibility to learn to open up to one's emotions, even the difficult ones. Or a possibility to learn how to help others - many who go through difficulties find the inspiration to support and help others in similar situations. Maybe there is an opportunity to finally learn how to speak one's own proper truth.

I try to see what I am supposed to learn from where I am now. Probably patience and persistance. Maybe I need to learn where my limits really are - maybe I need an experience of really pushing myself harder to see that. Maybe I need to learn how to care for myself even when I don't see how I will have the time or energy to. Whatever it is, I am absolutly sure that it will be clear to me in a matter of time, and I will think, ah.... that was this was all about for me ;).

What lessons do you face right now?

I really need to go to the hairdresser. That is what I learn from whatching this photo :).

Oh, and when I write something about my job, I never write about actual cases, ever. I really really really find the vow of secrecy absolutely essential and beautiful and would never brake it.

Love!

Robin's Playground week five.

Time is moving so fast. And so slow at the same time.

I am desperatly seeking a job. Got a couple of turndowns today. And a couple of new possible contacts.

I am desperatly seeking sleep. As in several hours of sleep in a row. Deep sleep. Uninterupted.

I am desperatly seeking time. To do all these things that I want to. Being a mother to my children - and not just transporting them around and giving them food when hungry. Sending applications. Drawing. Singing. Writing. Networking. Blogging. There is not enough of it.

And just a minute ago I was desperatly seeking my list of ideas for projects at this Playground. Gone, oh no!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a magic wand to sweep around and stop time/make children sleep nice and sound/find lost papers? And there it is: This week the task shall be to make a magic wand.

Maybe we should also make a little bit about what we would use it for.

Actually it doesn't have to be a wand. It can be anything you feel would be magic bearing to you. Such as a rime, or a rythm, or a symbol, a shield, something.

What is magical to you?
In what ways are you magical?
In what areas of your life do you feel you would need some magic?
How would it change things?
What could you do today to add some magic to your life or to celebrate the magic in LIFE?

Love!

sun.

I haven't had much time.

Like usual.

But I played around a bit, and a scetch I made looks allright I guess :).

So here is my sun:

Now that I have my scanner I really have to start using it. End of these crappy photos (except this one turned out ok). Old habits dy hard...

Love!

a long talk much needed.

The other day, no yesterday, time is floating but it was yesterday. So, yesterday I went to rehearsal with Kajsa. We wanted to start of by having a cup of coffee in the sunshine and talk through maybe our schedule, the order of things, maybe read the texts through.

But instead we started talking. About all these things that have been stressing me out lately. How do you create a life that functions and still evolve into the artist you want to be? How do you balance the creative life and everyday life? What does being an artist mean to me, now? How to balance one's needs and the needs of the children and the household and looking for a job?

I wanted to recapture some of what we said, but notice now that it is difficult. And maybe the words weren't the essence. Maybe the essence was this:

Laying on a bench, listening to baby L moving about in the grass chewing on cones, gazing up into the moving leaves of a tree, being warmed by the sun shining through the foliage.

One thing that I bring with me in my heart, that she said is this:

I have felt shame for my need to be seen and to show my "art". Sometimes I feel like I'm still five years old, running to mummy, holding out what I made, desperate for acknowledgement - yes, my love, you are an artist. That five-yearold is still looking for recognition, so I hold out my drawings and writings to my friends, to you. Look! Look! And I have felt that maybe it is a bit pathetic. (Well, that was me talking, here comes:)

But Kajsa just said "Of course you want people to see! Who are we if we are not seen? Everybody needs the mirror of others. Especially when we are trying to evolve creatively. That is not something that can be done in complete isolation. At least not by most. To have other people see what we do and acknowledge it is essential."

So, I am so grateful for those words. And will continue to show up here to meet you. Because I need to be seen. And because I want to show you, if you feel like I do, that you are not alone. And maybe some day I will have the honor to be the one to also mirror you. It has happened once during the Playground Project and it totally lit my day up :).

To be mirrored properly, we also have to have the courage to be truthful and show ourselves as we are. No more, no less. The good and the bad. Our brightest glimmering sunsides, and our darkest muskiest shadows.  And we have to have the courage to welcome and see all those aspects in the people we hold dear. Easier said than done, I know. But isn't it necessary if we want to make this world a better place? If we want to be great parents? Friends? I will try to be as courageous as I can!

All my love!

selfportraits.

I was feeling really low.

Like a saying in hungarian: under the frogs ass. Because how much lower could you possibly get?

Anyways I had that annoying critic babbling away in my mind: nothing you do is valuable, you are a fake and a fraud, nobody cares about you or what you do on and on.

So what?!

So what if nobody cares? I care.

So what if what I do has no value for anybody else? It is important to me.

And if I'm a fake and a fraud, than ok, that's what I am then. I'll be a good one :).


And I felt an urge to just capture myself as me, the one I am in this (and this and this and this...) instant. No more no less. Confused, happy, fragmented, sad, philosophing, empty, full of love.

We are all so much.

There is no such thing as a fixed I. We are all made up of millions of fragments, shimmering and dancing, like the sun's reflections on moving water.

Everything changes. All the time. And that is frightening and wonderful at the same time.

And so that was me yesterday.

Who are you right now? How would you picture yourself? How would you like to see yourself?

Love!

where I get my hands dirty.

It doesn't look like much.

It really isn't much either. Maybe two meters times one and a half. Maybe.

But I love it, love it, love it!

I know the time I get to have it is limited, since it belongs to a proprietor I don't live with, and as soon as somebody there wants it I'm out. But I am going to cherish every moment I get to shove my fingers into the earth, digging, weeding, planting, harvesting.

Or just taking a quick peek at how things are going when I pass by. Which I do several times a day.

Lovely strawberries in the making.

Tiny blue bells in the middle of something I don't know what it is. Excited to find out!

Another mystery that has come to life again since I disposed of the weedcarpet year.

A very thin and a bit lopsided gentleman that I hope will give me beens.

I know it's a flower... I hope it is brightly coloured! 

My grandmother had truly green fingers (do you say that in english? It means she was fabulous with plants). I hope that inheritance will come alive in me as well. So far I think the colour that best describes my fingers in this area is black, haha! Rare are the plants to have survived my love :).

Love!

Week four of Project Playground.

It is evening again, and I sit again sweating a bit because I want to make this week's prompt tempting. I have so many other things on my mind.  Not only confusion about the future and stress. Also very nice things such as this: 

I have also been digging and planting in my elotment. I hope to get a little bit more order and growth there this year than last year. Last year was the first year I got to use it after it had been unused for quite a number of years, so I think it will take a while before it gives really good crops. If it ever does. It doesn't really matter. Not much anyway. What matters is the happiness I feel while being there. And to see my daughter dig her hands down in the earth, and my son run around it laughing, helping pull weeds and put seeds in the ground. I forgot my camera today, but hope to get some pictures tomorrow.

Now. To the project.

I have been enjoying the sun so much that I feel a tribute is in order. So that is what the project for this week is - to make a tribute to the sun. There are many to be inspired by in all kinds of media (maybe make a collage?). You can of course make a drawing or painting, you can write a poem, but also write a lovesong or other musical piece! Anything can be used. I ran out of paper one day, but found paper plates from a birthday some years ago and drew on that (terrible photo again, sorry about that, hehe):

Love!