fragments.

I have this really strong impulse to take selfportraits right now. Portraits of parts of me. Fragments. I have been feeling a bit embarassed about it, as if I ought to be ashamed to want to picture myself. As if these fragments are too banal, too poorly executed. That I am such an amateur and why would anybody want to look at it.

And then I had this conversation with my sister. And she said that she understood the lack of connection I sometimes feel nowadays since I always get interrupted and have to get up and take care of something. She said she thought my existence must feel so fragmented.

And of course that is it.
My need to take pictures of parts of me are of course a way to put my feeling of fragmentisation out into the world. I just had to laugh out loud at how well she nailed it down :).

And allthough the word has negative connotations, taking the pictures make me feel happy and a bit more hole. So I will continue.

This last pictures is of marks baby L has given me. She bites!

I will be going away with the kids for a week to visit my father and his wife and I don't know if I will be able to post in during that week. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to do some textile art that B is fabulous at. If I don't get to talk to you, then take care and have a great week!

All my love to you!

finally.

It took abslutely forever, but now it's done.

Nothing special. Just a little "thingy". I meant to make it available as a PDF, but since I don't know how to do that yet, I decided to post it in the form of a number of images here. I think it's a cartoon.

I read a tiny e-book about finishing projects, riding the wild donkey, just get things done, by Leonie Dawson, and found it highly inspirational. Download it here if you want to. It's free. She completes projects like this one in a couple of hours. It took me a couple of weeks (mister P just a little bit irritated at watercolours, pencils and papers floating about in the apartment for over a month...).

The colours didn't come out great, but here you go!

All my love!

thinking about you.

This is something I have done a lot lately, actually.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What are your hopes and dreams?
Why do you visit my blog?
What do you like about it?
What don't you like about it?
What could I give you that would make your heart sing?

When I wrote the first post here, I did it for me. I had a vague idea that I would eventually like to take the blog a step further and adress others, and then hopefully many others. But when I started out I didn't know anything about blogging, or the blogospere at all. It was completely new territory for me. It still is new and a bit foreign, but I can feel that I am slowly slowly making this space mine.

And now that I feel that this space is becoming mine, I am able to start focusing more on you. I want to write, of course, for you. I would like for you to feel inspired, or happy, or think, or.... something.... when you come to this space.

I am not completely ready with that question, but I will get there. I have a few ideas :). I have been thinking about what I have that I can give, and there are a few things. I have also been thinking about what I want to do and what is my sweet spot in this world. I do want to create, and I hope that what I create can bring thoughts, feelings, joy and inspiration to others. I also want to help others get creative. As I stated when I started the blog. What's new is that the psychologist side of me also wants in. Going through with that education has given me knowledge that can be valuable to others, and I am hoping to find a way to share that with you that is also creative and explores the arts.

When I read about how other bloggers do, a lot of them has more specificity than I do.
I am all over the place.
I know that.
It is part of who I am, but maybe that is not what you are looking for? Maybe I need to challenge myself to be more focused. I don't know.

Whatever the answer to all these questions are, I am so much enjoying this adventure. I don't have as much time on my hands to really create the space the way I want it here. But that time will surely come further along, and in the meantime, I will just be an example of how you just do things anyway. Even if they turn out far from perfect. Even if you don't have time, or the energy, or the social network, or.... Just do it anyway.

All my love!

path.

I wish it were this clear. The path. And as sunny.

Walking my path I feel more like the QWOP - guy (click here if you want to try it out) than anything else. I can't wait for some unstuckness to happen.

But I know, I know. There is a lesson here. Probably several. One day I will get it. I will. I will get there. I will live my dream. My path is also sunny. It also has shadows dancing on the ground. It is a dance. It is. The steps are unclear for me right now, but I will find the beat. My beat.

A realization.

I just realized something.

I know what it is that I want to do, right? In terms of actions. Easy. I want to draw, sing, act, make music, write, somehow work with interviewing people and analyzing interviews. Clear.

I know fairly well how. I have my own business, because I don't want to be part of a strict hierarchy, and I don't like when other people tell me what to do, how to do it and then stand behind my shoulder watching me do it (I have only once had this kind of boss, so it's a little unfair to bosses...). I also want to decide for myself when and for how long to work. I would like to have at least a part of my business online so I don't get stuck geographically.  But I don't want to work in solitude, I want to be part of a team of some sorts. Actually this may also have come true allready. I am now part of a network called Subtopia - it's for creative entrepreneurs of all kinds - lots of circus artists, writers, film makers, actors etcetera. I was just accepted into their hub, and will have free office space for a year, access to some coaching and workshops and of course I will be part of a (hopefully) fabulous network. Hooray!

And still I have this feeling that I am so unstable in all of this. I find it hard to focus. I don't finish things. I become easily distracted. But why? And it dawned on me that my goal is so unclear. I don't know where it is I want to get to. Me and P are discussing what we want to do with our life, where we want to live (have to move since I don't have an income), what we want to do for a living, what kind of everyday life we want for our children etcetera. And I am surprised at how difficult it is for me to answer those questions. It is like I have a number of ready answers, but when I look inside my heart, I am not sure I feel those answers anymore. You know? I don't feel the weight of their truth anchoring me inside.
I am not saying they are no longer my truths, I just don't feel it clearly.

And I don't know why I want to do all those things. Why do I want to act? Or sing? Or draw and write? What do I want to achieve? What place do I and my business have in the rest of the universe? What do I want with my business? I have fun and feel aligned with the universe when I do all those things, but is that the Reason for my business and me?

My vision is so much unclearer than I thought it was.

Partly because I am so tired of course. There may be a reason for not starting your business two weeks before having a baby.... At this point I just want to sleep. I just want to f*ing sleep for more than three hours in a row. The other day I almost fell of my own feet falling asleep standing up in the kitchen. And if this is the problem, then no worries. This phase of motherhood is soon over. Probably within six months. And that's not so long in the long run. Problem is I can't wait that long. I have to start make money now. Not at all stressful :). So, if you see links to Amazon for example - it is me deciding to pick up this thing with linking to products and getting a small financial thank you if there is a sale. I have been a bit reluctant about it, since I don't like ads and such. The Goddess Circle I have a link to here is of course an ad - and I put it there because it is something I love being part of, and would like to see more people join so I can connect to more wonderful beings there. But, I might still do it - become an affiliate to Amazone that is. We'll see.

For now: I must get back to tending my sick kids - one of whom is getting mighty unpatient with me...

Love!

flooded.

One reason that it's great to have kids is you have an excuse to jump in puddles again!

Love!

a lovely day.

I haven't written for a few days. I don't know why, but suddenly I lost the desire to. I guess such things happen every now and then. I have been struggling a bit with how I am supposed to write here, what about, how personal should I be etcetera. When I really should just be writing. So, here I am again.

I have spent a beautiful day with my children. We were (as most morning) arguing, yelling, crying and whining   off and on - something that drives me a bit crazy and a lot sad. Many mornings have ended with me thinking I must be the worst mother in the world. But not today. I guess I finally have it. Experience as a mother of two. I kept my cool and happy mood in between the yelling portioning out love and kisses and play to balance the arguing and yelling and got us outside as quickly as I could. Because that is when everything turns. I take a deep breath of outside air. My daughter starts smiling and pointing at things she sees, instantly. And my son relaxes - says something like "it is a wonderful day" or "it is glorious outside". Or he just takes of  running, hands in the air, talking or shouting about some idol of his (Lightening McQueen and Tow Mater at the moment). Today we went to a big park twenty minutes walk from where we live to have pancakes. And we had the most lovely moment together. Liv was laughing going "mmmmm!" - first time to eat pancakes. And Sam was chatting along. Afterwards we just lay down in the grass and looked up at the leaves and branches of a tree. Bliss!

Days and moments like this I really feel how happy I am to be a mother. I just love them so much. I always do. Even in the midst of the worst whining going on for hours on end, but that love is mixed up with anger and resentment and guilt. Moments like today is just love, laughter in my heart and bubbling joy joy joy. Just one of those moments makes all the sleepless nights and fights and tears worthwhile.

All my love to you and your loved ones!