thinking about you.

This is something I have done a lot lately, actually.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What are your hopes and dreams?
Why do you visit my blog?
What do you like about it?
What don't you like about it?
What could I give you that would make your heart sing?

When I wrote the first post here, I did it for me. I had a vague idea that I would eventually like to take the blog a step further and adress others, and then hopefully many others. But when I started out I didn't know anything about blogging, or the blogospere at all. It was completely new territory for me. It still is new and a bit foreign, but I can feel that I am slowly slowly making this space mine.

And now that I feel that this space is becoming mine, I am able to start focusing more on you. I want to write, of course, for you. I would like for you to feel inspired, or happy, or think, or.... something.... when you come to this space.

I am not completely ready with that question, but I will get there. I have a few ideas :). I have been thinking about what I have that I can give, and there are a few things. I have also been thinking about what I want to do and what is my sweet spot in this world. I do want to create, and I hope that what I create can bring thoughts, feelings, joy and inspiration to others. I also want to help others get creative. As I stated when I started the blog. What's new is that the psychologist side of me also wants in. Going through with that education has given me knowledge that can be valuable to others, and I am hoping to find a way to share that with you that is also creative and explores the arts.

When I read about how other bloggers do, a lot of them has more specificity than I do.
I am all over the place.
I know that.
It is part of who I am, but maybe that is not what you are looking for? Maybe I need to challenge myself to be more focused. I don't know.

Whatever the answer to all these questions are, I am so much enjoying this adventure. I don't have as much time on my hands to really create the space the way I want it here. But that time will surely come further along, and in the meantime, I will just be an example of how you just do things anyway. Even if they turn out far from perfect. Even if you don't have time, or the energy, or the social network, or.... Just do it anyway.

All my love!

path.

I wish it were this clear. The path. And as sunny.

Walking my path I feel more like the QWOP - guy (click here if you want to try it out) than anything else. I can't wait for some unstuckness to happen.

But I know, I know. There is a lesson here. Probably several. One day I will get it. I will. I will get there. I will live my dream. My path is also sunny. It also has shadows dancing on the ground. It is a dance. It is. The steps are unclear for me right now, but I will find the beat. My beat.

A realization.

I just realized something.

I know what it is that I want to do, right? In terms of actions. Easy. I want to draw, sing, act, make music, write, somehow work with interviewing people and analyzing interviews. Clear.

I know fairly well how. I have my own business, because I don't want to be part of a strict hierarchy, and I don't like when other people tell me what to do, how to do it and then stand behind my shoulder watching me do it (I have only once had this kind of boss, so it's a little unfair to bosses...). I also want to decide for myself when and for how long to work. I would like to have at least a part of my business online so I don't get stuck geographically.  But I don't want to work in solitude, I want to be part of a team of some sorts. Actually this may also have come true allready. I am now part of a network called Subtopia - it's for creative entrepreneurs of all kinds - lots of circus artists, writers, film makers, actors etcetera. I was just accepted into their hub, and will have free office space for a year, access to some coaching and workshops and of course I will be part of a (hopefully) fabulous network. Hooray!

And still I have this feeling that I am so unstable in all of this. I find it hard to focus. I don't finish things. I become easily distracted. But why? And it dawned on me that my goal is so unclear. I don't know where it is I want to get to. Me and P are discussing what we want to do with our life, where we want to live (have to move since I don't have an income), what we want to do for a living, what kind of everyday life we want for our children etcetera. And I am surprised at how difficult it is for me to answer those questions. It is like I have a number of ready answers, but when I look inside my heart, I am not sure I feel those answers anymore. You know? I don't feel the weight of their truth anchoring me inside.
I am not saying they are no longer my truths, I just don't feel it clearly.

And I don't know why I want to do all those things. Why do I want to act? Or sing? Or draw and write? What do I want to achieve? What place do I and my business have in the rest of the universe? What do I want with my business? I have fun and feel aligned with the universe when I do all those things, but is that the Reason for my business and me?

My vision is so much unclearer than I thought it was.

Partly because I am so tired of course. There may be a reason for not starting your business two weeks before having a baby.... At this point I just want to sleep. I just want to f*ing sleep for more than three hours in a row. The other day I almost fell of my own feet falling asleep standing up in the kitchen. And if this is the problem, then no worries. This phase of motherhood is soon over. Probably within six months. And that's not so long in the long run. Problem is I can't wait that long. I have to start make money now. Not at all stressful :). So, if you see links to Amazon for example - it is me deciding to pick up this thing with linking to products and getting a small financial thank you if there is a sale. I have been a bit reluctant about it, since I don't like ads and such. The Goddess Circle I have a link to here is of course an ad - and I put it there because it is something I love being part of, and would like to see more people join so I can connect to more wonderful beings there. But, I might still do it - become an affiliate to Amazone that is. We'll see.

For now: I must get back to tending my sick kids - one of whom is getting mighty unpatient with me...

Love!

flooded.

One reason that it's great to have kids is you have an excuse to jump in puddles again!

Love!

a lovely day.

I haven't written for a few days. I don't know why, but suddenly I lost the desire to. I guess such things happen every now and then. I have been struggling a bit with how I am supposed to write here, what about, how personal should I be etcetera. When I really should just be writing. So, here I am again.

I have spent a beautiful day with my children. We were (as most morning) arguing, yelling, crying and whining   off and on - something that drives me a bit crazy and a lot sad. Many mornings have ended with me thinking I must be the worst mother in the world. But not today. I guess I finally have it. Experience as a mother of two. I kept my cool and happy mood in between the yelling portioning out love and kisses and play to balance the arguing and yelling and got us outside as quickly as I could. Because that is when everything turns. I take a deep breath of outside air. My daughter starts smiling and pointing at things she sees, instantly. And my son relaxes - says something like "it is a wonderful day" or "it is glorious outside". Or he just takes of  running, hands in the air, talking or shouting about some idol of his (Lightening McQueen and Tow Mater at the moment). Today we went to a big park twenty minutes walk from where we live to have pancakes. And we had the most lovely moment together. Liv was laughing going "mmmmm!" - first time to eat pancakes. And Sam was chatting along. Afterwards we just lay down in the grass and looked up at the leaves and branches of a tree. Bliss!

Days and moments like this I really feel how happy I am to be a mother. I just love them so much. I always do. Even in the midst of the worst whining going on for hours on end, but that love is mixed up with anger and resentment and guilt. Moments like today is just love, laughter in my heart and bubbling joy joy joy. Just one of those moments makes all the sleepless nights and fights and tears worthwhile.

All my love to you and your loved ones!

focus. follow through.

I was out running.
I do that to rinse myself free from negative and aggressive energy. To clear my mind. And to challenge myself. As soon as I get a tiny bit tired the voice inside tells me to stop, that I can't make it, that it doesn't matter in the long run if I don't push myself so hard this time etcetera. And I practice continuing anyway. Pushing myself a bit further, to see what I can really do. Not what that voice tells me I can do. I get out and run to show myself again and again that I have more strength than I give myself credit for. That I don't have a "give up gene". And I practice allowing other voices inside to be stronger, to grow and take up their space in me. Like the voice telling me: Woaw! My body is great! Look at what it can do! Or the one saying: I feel fabulous today! I just love the way running makes my body feel. I must look absolutely gorgeous!
For example.

Anyhooooooow.... I was getting really tired, but hadn't reached my normal goal of running for thirty minutes, and I kept repeating to myself: just focus now and finish it, follow through. Focus. Follow through. Focus. Follow through. Until I finally hit the timegoal, and some insight as well.

This is something that applies so much to everything I am doing at the moment. Focus. Follow through.

I have probably twenty ideas that I try to make happen and all that happens is that I dance around without getting anywhere. And it wears me out. And so I know I have to listen to myself. I cannot do it all at once. I have to pick one thing, focus, follow through. Then to the next. You have no idea how big a challenge that is for me. I was furious with everyone who tried to suggest I do this, because I felt it was a restraint on me and my free creativity. Except that a creativity that never gets anything done or produces anything is not really free at all, is it. All along I have been fooling myself I've been taking care of my freedom and diversity, when all along it was just another way of making sure I don't make it.

The mind is a funny thing.

So. I have to quit Robin's Playground. I love the idea of it still. But it is a stress for me right now and I get irritated with the project as I feel it gets in the way of things I really need to get done. Because if I am going to run a business I had better produce some products, no?

So my main focus right now is actually going to have to be something that I believe has a fair chance of actually selling. Which is an ebook (or physical for those who prefere it). About what? Well, I sat down to try and see what I know enough about to be able to write something without having to do a million of hours of research. And since I am a psychologist I figured I probably know a thing or to about how to change behaviour, thought patterns, emotional scripts etcetera that have remained unresponsive to change efforts before. In a sense that is all psychologists do - help people make the changes they want or need (or both) to do. External or internal changes. Changes of behaviour. Changes of attitude. And so I am writing a tiny workbook to be a companion with some ideas and excercises and some theory. Wrapped, I hope, in a playful colourexplosion. This is a beginning of what the front page will look like:

The text sort of disappears so I will work on that. And I think the blue is a bit too dark. But I'm not sure.
My aim is to have this finished in september, when I will nolonger recieve money for staying at home with my kid (since she is going to start going to daycare). The draft is all done in swedish. Probably 60% has been translated into english. I have done sketches for a number of pages. And the front page, as I said, is almost finished.

Phew!

Focus. Follow through.

Love!

quickly quickly.

Morning stress.
Clothes on.
Brush teeth.
Breakfast.
Oh, brush teeth again.
Go to the bathroom.
Pack bag.
Shoes on wrong foot.
Shoes on right foot.
Sing a happy song about shoes and feet.
Elevator down.
Run across the yard.
Forgot something.
Rush back and get it.
Sing a happy song about a crazy mama who always forgets something.
Run across the yard.
While singing a happy song about running.
Stopping to look at ants.
Run.
Arrive at daycare.

Write a post to neglected readers.

All my love to you!

Greatest vernissage ever coming up this october.

So, if you happen to find yourself in Stockholm in the beginning of october, you should absolutely come to Bageri Systrarna Andersson. It is a bakery/café at the crossing of Karlbergsvägen and Birkagatan. And it is where I will have my first exhibition ever! For three weeks my super illustrations will embellish the walls there and hopefully bring joy and thought to the (mostly old) people having their coffée and daily chat there :).

I am a bit proud of myself for asking if I could hang my things there. Not that they have very high standards (they don't judge the material, just check that it isn't extremely offensive). But that I took the time to prepare the few sketches I have and go show them. Instead of what I have too often done before:

Think to myself that I could do at least as well as the artist whose paintings are currently there, go home and dream about having a supergreat magic vernissage, feeling ashamed of myself and not do anything about it. This time I thought: I could do as well as that in my way, I went home and started dreaming of a supergreat magic vernissage, decided to invest in giving myself a challenge (finish enough drawings until october) and some fun and booked the caféwalls for three weeks in october.

And that is a big deal. Me not feeling ashamed of myself and my art. Me supporting my own grand dreams - even if it is in a small way.

It is still a start! Horray!

What could you do to support your dreams today?

Not quiet finished, but almost ;).

Love!

ok this is important.

I just watched a TV show about plastic surgery. And then I wrote a really long post. And then I erased it. Another day.
What I wanted to say is this: