depleted. inspired.

I am so tired. And today I feel lost. Many days have passed now when I haven't slept properly and I haven't had the "my own time" - time that I so desperately need. Quite common problems when you have a 2-yearold and a newborn in the house I presume...

I am also so at ends with myself for not doing that which I need and want. Not a unique problem either.. If I had a great, easy solution on how to turn what you know you should do into concrete action I guess I could get rich :). Until then I'm stuck with the old "just get your lazy ass off the couch and do it" or "be positive and picture it done and everything will sort itself out". But all these obstacles that I put up in front of my every intention, what about them? They tire me out completely! I'm so sick of them!

And yet, in the midst of this I can feel inspiration rumble about a little bit. I know I can get where I want to be if I could just get going. But there is so much that comes beforehand: the children, keeping our home at least almost ok when it comes to tidyness, cooking (three things I want to do and spend time with), watching tv, making lists about what I ought to do, stuffing myself with candy and food that's no good for me, thinking about doing things I dream of, having anxiety because I get older and older and don't get anything done. Anybody recognize themselves?

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself at the moment? Or maybe I should - what kind of mother am I if I teach my children that dreams are not important, or to give up if it's difficult, or not to follow what your heart tells you. That's not how I want them to describe me - like someone who never got round to doing what she loved most doing, who didn't value herself and who was terrified of what other people would think of her.

Indeed not.

So now I have to continue looking for what ever way works for me.